I haven't really written much about my infertility journey since we moved to Alaska. I think I've kind of just been keeping it all to myself. I miss having friends that I can be open with and share the details. I have Ry and he's pretty good about deciphering when I'm good and when I'm not but I don't really want to share with him the details. Its not very sexy discussing my cycle and hormones whether it be lack of or too much of. All that is TMI for most people and I get that. So its been tough. What else is tough is getting told NO! WAIT! by God. I thought we had it figured out. We have been discussing becoming foster parents. I was soooo excited. I thought finally I can be a mom. I was even looking at websites for cribs and neutral crib bedding (found really cute Precious Moments ones). I knew I was ignoring that voice in my head saying this is not the right plan but I really wanted it. God clearly told me that we aren't supposed to do it and after talking to Ry he confirmed that he felt the same way. Its so frustrating but I have to wait. For some reason we don't understand Ry and I aren't supposed to be parents yet. God has that door closed now and it breaks my heart. I cried a lot at church today. But I believe in His perfect timing that door will open. I have to remind myself of what Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 1 that mans wisdom is less than God's foolishness and our strength less than His weakness. Even at my wisest- God is infinitely wiser. So I wait and trust. Please pray for me to have strength while I wait and to meet people I can share my journey with. Its lonely keeping this stuff in and I am really shy. Thanks :)

Oh and Alaska update. We've had lots of snow. Ry said he heard on the radio we have already had over 30 inches of snow and we are getting more this week. Below are a couple Alaska pics.

Knots Prayer

Okay so I haven't written anything in forever. We have been super busy. A friend of mine posted the knots prayer on her facebook a couple days ago and I have been really thinking about it. The prayer is:

"Dear God,
Please untie the knots that are in my mind, my heart and my life.
Remove the have nots, the can nots and the do nots that I have in my mind.
Erase the will nots, and might nots that find a home in my heart.
Release me from the could nots, would nots and should nots that obstruct my life.
And most of all, dear God, I ask that you remove from my mind
my heart and my life all of the am nots that I have allowed to hold me back,
especially the thought that I am not good enough.

Amen,

(author known to God)"

I think all of us fall into one of those categories. We let all of these "nots" bring us down and away from who God made us to be. I know I do this too. I focus on the fact that I am not a mother and that I may never be one and it breaks my heart. But when I focus on what I am and what I have- I find contentment and peace. So when you start to think about all those nots, I encourage you to flip it around. Think about the positives of your life. There are enough people and events that will pull you down, don't make the mistake of doing it to yourself.