May Update

So I have some good news. My cycle was only 41 days this month. That may not seem like a big deal but my last cycle was over twice that length. Being 2 weeks late as opposed to 2 months late. I am thanking God and hoping this is a sign off Him fixing me. I trust that God has a plan and I am excited to see what happens next. Maybe next month I'll have even better news but either way I'm going to keep moving forward.

no more tears

So I still haven't started but I am doing okay. It has been a crazy week but amazingly I have not cried this week. That is amazing because almost every morning I cry. I cry like a baby and ask God for strength to wait on His will. I am still waiting and praying for strength so why no tears? I think that has to do with the last time I cried. At church Sunday as always I cried then God reminds me to trust Him. Service was great. If you were not there you should look it up. It was about happiness coming from God when we invest in our relationship with Him and get up and do something about it. It made me realize I have been so focused on what my body is not doing (gaining weight and getting pregnant) that I have missed what I can do and all the blessings in my life. I am such a blessed woman. If I can't have kids then it is not the end of the world. Ryan and I can adopt. Ryan is so supportive of me and has been there for me the last 22 months of heart break. We have bonded over this and are an even stronger couple. God is leading us on the journey and we just have to get up and keep following. I will probably cry on occasion still but right now I am doing much better

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Quick Update: So the gynecologist couldn't find anything wrong with me. I know that is a good thing but I am a little frustrated with not having an answer. Going to my regular doctor Thursday to see if he can figure it out. I should be starting my cycle any day now. Ry thinks I might be pregnant because a lot of my symptoms fall under that category of symptoms. Until I get a positive test I am trying not to entertain that idea.

Okay enough health stuff. Last week our pastor preached about happiness. His main point was that God wants us to be happy but happiness is not getting what you want. Happiness is not just an emotion and circumstances do not control happiness. I definitely needed that reminder this week.  While work was amazing and I was totally blessed during teacher appreciation week (my coworkers, students, and parents are wonderful) I had this worried feeling all week. Going to the gynecologist 2 times in one week is not fun for anyone but for a girl who wants a baby and doesn't know if she can have one it is torture. But then I started thinking about the sermon last week. I was letting my circumstances determine my happiness. I bawled my eyes out and vented to my husband last night. Then I woke up determined to move ahead. One of my favorite quotes is from Martha Washington. I did a paper on the first three first wives of America. I found this quote in my research and have held onto it. She wrote that,


"I am still determined to be cheerful and happy in whatever situation I may be; for I have learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not our circumstance."

Most of the time I am good at following those words. I give my pain to God and am of a cheerful disposition. Lately I feel like everything is compounding together and forming a weight I cannot overlook. I know that God is stronger than anything I am facing and that He won't give me more than I can handle.Putting that into practice is hard. I wake up every morning and ask God for strength for that day. I cry and I feel God empower me. But by the end of the day any ounce of strength I have is gone and I need reenforcement again. I think that's how it is supposed to be though. When life is too easy we think we can do it ourselves. Sometimes it is good to be reminded that we cannot do anything with out God. 


One of my favorite songs right now is Our God by Chris Tomlin. Our church's band does an amazing job performing this song during worship. If you haven't heard it youtube it. I cry every time I sing it. It is such a great reminder of how powerful our God is. 


I need some encouragement this week. What is your favorite quote or song when you are having a rough day? 

Prayer

Hi. I just wanted to ask you guys to pray for me. I am going to the gynecologist tomorrow. I'm hoping for good news, but trying to not get my hopes up. It is day 25 of my cycle and I have not been feeling well. Nausea, tired, weird discharge... I was supposed to see her after my blood test which I never got so I never saw her. So I am seeing her now. I will let you guys know if I have any news.

Plan

It has been a really crazy week. The one thing I have learned is that most of the time things don't go the way you plan. I am a planner. I like to know every detail. I am a little weird like that. Yes I can go with the flow and be flexible, but I prefer to have a plan and follow it. I make lists and schedules. It is just the way I am. So I think that is why it has been so hard to let go and say okay God in your timing in your plan. I wanted to have kids by now. I know that there is a reason we haven't been able to and that someday I'll look back and understand. But in this moment it is hard to accept. It is a constant battle for me. Everyday I have to give it to God and there are days I don't want to. There are days I want to be a toddler telling my Father no while kicking and screaming. I want my way. It is then that I am reminded that I am just a child and I do not know everything that I think I know. I just have to trust my Father knows best. Ry sent me a text this week with 5 names on it. I was confused and texted back asking what they were. He said they are our children's names. I had to bite my lip from bursting into tears. That is so the desire of my heart and now that Ry feels it too it makes it so much harder not having it. So I am hoping and praying this is the month God gives us our miracle. But I know even if he doesn't I have to trust His plan. Pray for us as we wait and trust.

PS. Happy Easter everybody

Update

Sorry everybody. The last two weeks have been extremely busy and I have not had the time to get on here and write. I did start naturally praise the Lord. It took 95 days, but I can restart the counting of days. I did not get the blood test. I was about to leave to do the blood test when Ryan called and said his grandpa was dying and we need to leave now. We went back to Saint Louis for a couple days to grieve with family. While we were there I started. We were back home maybe 24 hours before leaving for Alaska. Alaska is so beautiful! The people are really nice too. We had so much fun. We are hoping for the opportunity to go back soon.

So that is a quick update on me. Other than jet lag and a cold I am doing alright. I am hoping this is the month, but I also have to trust God's timing. He knows better than I do. We are learning to lay down our will at the feet of the cross and ask God for His will. While incredibly hard, we know its what is best for us. It will make us stronger.

Here are some pics from our trip:

                                                          On the Airplane. Exhausted

                                                              Before hiking Flat Top.

                                                      My pilot at the Aviation Museum

                                                          
                                                                Ahhh! A Moose!

trust me

I want to start this blog with a prayer request. My husband's grandpa is in the hospital. I don't have many details yet.
This week I've felt God telling me the same thing a lot. He keeps whispering in my ear "trust me." That should be easy right? He did create everything by just speaking it into being. He calmed the seas and quieted the storms. He knows me better than I know myself. So why am I struggling with this? Why do I need to keep being told each day? I wish I did not struggle with it. There is such peace laying your burdens down at Jesus' feet. This is one that I keep picking right back up again. I win for a couple days and then the hormones or heart break of the situation gets to me. Then back up it goes. Does anyone else find themselves doing the same thing? Today I want to let go. My prayer is that I can give it to God and leave it with Him. It is so hard trying to do it yourself.

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