Happy Fathers' Day

This was written yesterday:

Our power went out today. A bad storm knocked a tree down on the power plant down the street. So now I sit writing my thoughts on paper by candlelight to be typed later. I am 3 days late and am getting anxious to know. I'll take a test in the morning but it will most likely be negative. Tomorrow will be a tough day for me as have the last 11 Fathers' Days. (My dad passed away in 2001). But I think tomorrow will be worse. I miss my dad. I also feel bad that I haven't given Ry a baby and he won't get to be a proud daddy tomorrow. I know its not my fault but I can't help feeling guilt and shame. On these days that celebrate parents it makes me ache for the children I will have someday. In the adoption book I read it reccomended along with celebrating parents that churches/Christians pray for couples struggling with infertility that feel left out on this day. I urge you to do the same. Also to all the parents out there- love on your kids today and thank God for blessing you with them. Happy Fathers' Day.

come what may

It has been a crazy week. For those of you who don't know we are moving back home. We currently are almost to the west virginia border. Hours in the car still to go. I have been really nostalgic this week. Saying goodbyes and packing everything you own tends to do that. I remember when we first moved to Virginia. I bawled my eyes out the whole 14+ hour drive. I asked God why I had to leave my family. At the time I had no clue how great our time in Virginia would be. I only saw that I missed my family. But looking back I can see that it was what was best for us. God knew what He was doing. Funny how things work out. Reminds me of the Biblical truths in Jeremiah 29:11 and Romans 8:28. God has a plan for everyone. We just have to trust and follow. Remembering that helps me with the infertility. Right now I am throwing my hands up crying out why but I have to have faith that God knows what is best. That someday like our move to Virginia I will look back and praise God for knowing better than I do. It is so easy to fall into the pit of thinking you know what is best for you but Proverbs reminds us that there is a way that seems right to us but it leads to death. Not a good outcome. I want God to bless my life so I say Lord whatever you want bring it on. Your will not mine. My prayer for myself and for all of you reading is that you will let go and as Carrie Underwood sings let "Jesus take the wheel."

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who am I

Hi everybody! Life has been insanely busy lately and I haven't had much to blog about. So sorry for the lapse in updates. I am not late yet. I should start next week if I'm not pregnant. I feel pretty good so healthwise no real update.

This is going to be more off topic but something I would like to share. I was listening to a song on the radio today and it got me thinking. The song was about how God views us better than we often view ourselves. We see what we are currently not what we will be. The book I am reading about christianity and adoption said something similar. I find myself getting down on myself. It drives Ryan nuts. I get insecure worrying about what others think about me. Last week I heard something that someone had said about me and I cried. I started doubting myself and asking my friends if they thought that about me. Whether the comment was true or not isn't the issue. The issue is that I spend too much time beating myself up about what others think. Instead I should be focusing on what God says about me. The Bible is filled with references about God loving us and us being His children. That He has plans for us and that we will overcome this world. How can I doubt myself with verses like that? Will I mess up? Of course. But does that define me? No. Does the fact that the doctors say I can't get pregnant define me? No. I am a child of God and someday I will be a mother. God doesn't call me barren or infertile. He knows what will happen. So I need to stop looking at myself that way. All this to say do not believe the lies the world tells you. You are a precious child of God and whatever life throws at you will never change that. Keep hoping and dreaming. Believe and trust. You never know when or if it'll happen but if you don't try and have faith it never will. 

May Update

So I have some good news. My cycle was only 41 days this month. That may not seem like a big deal but my last cycle was over twice that length. Being 2 weeks late as opposed to 2 months late. I am thanking God and hoping this is a sign off Him fixing me. I trust that God has a plan and I am excited to see what happens next. Maybe next month I'll have even better news but either way I'm going to keep moving forward.

no more tears

So I still haven't started but I am doing okay. It has been a crazy week but amazingly I have not cried this week. That is amazing because almost every morning I cry. I cry like a baby and ask God for strength to wait on His will. I am still waiting and praying for strength so why no tears? I think that has to do with the last time I cried. At church Sunday as always I cried then God reminds me to trust Him. Service was great. If you were not there you should look it up. It was about happiness coming from God when we invest in our relationship with Him and get up and do something about it. It made me realize I have been so focused on what my body is not doing (gaining weight and getting pregnant) that I have missed what I can do and all the blessings in my life. I am such a blessed woman. If I can't have kids then it is not the end of the world. Ryan and I can adopt. Ryan is so supportive of me and has been there for me the last 22 months of heart break. We have bonded over this and are an even stronger couple. God is leading us on the journey and we just have to get up and keep following. I will probably cry on occasion still but right now I am doing much better

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Quick Update: So the gynecologist couldn't find anything wrong with me. I know that is a good thing but I am a little frustrated with not having an answer. Going to my regular doctor Thursday to see if he can figure it out. I should be starting my cycle any day now. Ry thinks I might be pregnant because a lot of my symptoms fall under that category of symptoms. Until I get a positive test I am trying not to entertain that idea.

Okay enough health stuff. Last week our pastor preached about happiness. His main point was that God wants us to be happy but happiness is not getting what you want. Happiness is not just an emotion and circumstances do not control happiness. I definitely needed that reminder this week.  While work was amazing and I was totally blessed during teacher appreciation week (my coworkers, students, and parents are wonderful) I had this worried feeling all week. Going to the gynecologist 2 times in one week is not fun for anyone but for a girl who wants a baby and doesn't know if she can have one it is torture. But then I started thinking about the sermon last week. I was letting my circumstances determine my happiness. I bawled my eyes out and vented to my husband last night. Then I woke up determined to move ahead. One of my favorite quotes is from Martha Washington. I did a paper on the first three first wives of America. I found this quote in my research and have held onto it. She wrote that,


"I am still determined to be cheerful and happy in whatever situation I may be; for I have learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not our circumstance."

Most of the time I am good at following those words. I give my pain to God and am of a cheerful disposition. Lately I feel like everything is compounding together and forming a weight I cannot overlook. I know that God is stronger than anything I am facing and that He won't give me more than I can handle.Putting that into practice is hard. I wake up every morning and ask God for strength for that day. I cry and I feel God empower me. But by the end of the day any ounce of strength I have is gone and I need reenforcement again. I think that's how it is supposed to be though. When life is too easy we think we can do it ourselves. Sometimes it is good to be reminded that we cannot do anything with out God. 


One of my favorite songs right now is Our God by Chris Tomlin. Our church's band does an amazing job performing this song during worship. If you haven't heard it youtube it. I cry every time I sing it. It is such a great reminder of how powerful our God is. 


I need some encouragement this week. What is your favorite quote or song when you are having a rough day? 

Prayer

Hi. I just wanted to ask you guys to pray for me. I am going to the gynecologist tomorrow. I'm hoping for good news, but trying to not get my hopes up. It is day 25 of my cycle and I have not been feeling well. Nausea, tired, weird discharge... I was supposed to see her after my blood test which I never got so I never saw her. So I am seeing her now. I will let you guys know if I have any news.