2 Years

Hey. Tuesday was a sad day for me. July 5th marked 2 years since we started trying to have a baby. We have endured 24 months of dashed hopes and crying over pregnancy tests. I was kind of down in the dumps because most research shows if it hasn't happened in 2 years it is extremely unlikely it will ever happen. One year is when you get the infertility label. Two years is when you get told that of the couples that make it to this point only 10% ever conceive a child. Those are not good odds. But while I am throwing my pity party I got an e-mail from the leader of the prayer team at the church I started attending again in STL. (I read in the bulletin on Sunday that you could e-mail prayer request and felt led to do so). After telling me that she was praying for me she told me that she didn't know why but God had given her a name for me. Sarena. She thought maybe it was related to Sarah in the Bible. I looked it up and with shaking hands read that Sarena was a Hebrew version of Sarah. Still shaking I started to pray and I felt led to read Sarah's story in Genesis. For those who don't know she was 90 years old when God gave her a child. She didn't believe it was possible at her age. My biological clock is ticking at 27. I can't imagine being 90. As I read I prayed, God speak to me through this. Please tell me why she was told that name. Then I got to Genesis 21:6-7. "Sarah said, "God has brought me laughter, and everyone who hears about this will laugh with me." 7 And she added, "Who would have said to Abraham that Sarah would nurse children? Yet I have borne him a son in his old age." " My heart leaped. I felt God saying don't listen to the statistics and others who say it won't happen. Someday I will be a mom and I will laugh like Sarah. And I will share my story and others will laugh with joy along with me. I'm just believing and trusting my day will come even if I have to wait til I am 90.

Psalm 27

Okay. So I know I just posted yesterday but then I read this awesome verse and had to share. Also I wanted to ask y'all to pray for our puppies Chandelle and Honey (Honey is my mom's). We had to rush Chandelle to the vet tonight. After a bunch of test she has a bad case of pnemonia and possibly a parasite. The vet couldn't believe she was still eating and drinking okay with how bad the infection was. Dogs have 5 lungs and one of Chandelle's was almost full of infection. Our poor girl. Both pups go back to the vet tomorrow making their 3rd vet appointments in a week. I am already very attached to our little one and have enjoyed nuturing her this week. So please pray for them.

Now back to the verse. Ry and I have been reading Psalm. Last night we were on chapter 27 and the last verse just popped out to me. Psalm 27:14 (KJV) "Wait on the LORD: be of good courage , and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait , I say, on the LORD." I feel that is what God has been speaking to me along this journey. Also many wise women in my life have told me the same thing. So often in this life we are rushing toward what we want. We want it and we want it now.  But what is more important than getting what we want is waiting on God's perfect timing. When He tells us to wait there is a reason. While we may not understand, we have to trust that His plan is better than ours. This is SOOOOO hard. Don't read this and think I have this down. Believe me I don't. I struggle with this as much as the next person if not even more. But I keep reminding myself that sometimes the journey is more important than getting to that finish line. What I gain and learn along the way makes the wait worthwhile. And if I am just focusing on where I want to be I miss out on all the good stuff in between. I know this journey, even though it is hard and heartbreaking,  is molding me into the woman God wants me to be. I cannot do this alone and I am so thankful for all the wonderful people God has brought into my life. God will give me the strength to wait. I just have to keep trudging along the path ahead and enjoy each day for what it is not for what I am hoping it will be.

Health Update: I started Tuesday. I was only 2 weeks late so that is good news. With all the chaos going on in our lives lately that is a little to be expected. Stress can definately push a cycle back. So we'll see what next month brings.

As for everything else we are getting settled in Missouri. I love spending time with our families. Ry got a job and started today! I am so proud of him. He is so good at what he does and has a passion for it. So yea Ry. I will hopefully have one soon. I'll give a job update later once I have something for sure.

Ry and I have an addition to our family. We got a puppy. Chandelle (Elle) Ball is an Australian mix. She is beautiful and sweet. We just love her. Oh and I know I'll get questions about her name. She is named after an aviation manuveur. You can google it if you want more details. Having a puppy has helped with some of the infertility pain. I still want a baby but getting to nuture our pup has really helped. I know not everyone can get a pet or even would want to but I would reccomend it to anyone struggling with infertility that can/wants to. Other than that I don't have much to say right now. Have a happy and safe 4th of July this weekend

Hormones

Warning: Before you read this please keep in mind I am very hormonal right now. So I appologize if it skips around or doesn't make sense. i just need to type right now. I am 9 days late and my body is driving me insane. One minute I feel fine the next I want to bawl my eyes out and never get out of bed. Argh. And I am tired. I just want to sleep and eat. Out of no where I get these impulses to eat certain things- I guess craving may be the correct terminology. I'm having hormonal breakout too. It is so frustrating. I don't feel like myself. Women who don't have fertility problems and have normal cycles, the best way to describe it to is like you are on a never ending PMS binge until your body finally gets zapped into reality by a horrible period. I've learned the later you are the more painful and disgusting it gets. Oh the joys of being a woman. I know I am ranting a little bit but I want to show what real life is like for the woman that goes through infertility. We are not all alike. Some do have normal cycles. Some go through it worse that I do (God bless those women I don't know how they do it). But the whole cycle thing is infurating. If they are like me they never know when they will actually start. So they have to go weeks wearing the not so cute underwear in case you start and checking the toliet to make sure. The PMSing is terrible. I have never had it bad until the last 2 years that we have been trying and my cycle went psycho. But I think the worse part is the waiting. Just waiting everyday half hoping you start and half hoping you don't. You pray to God that if you aren't pregnant the torture will end and you can start your period but if you are pregnant that you will finally show up on a test.  It is limbo land and it stinks. I pray that I am the only woman that goes through this but unfortunately statistics show that I am not alone. There are so many woman silently struggling through this when they don't have to be alone. That is one of the main reasons I write my blog. I hope that I can minister to others out there going through something similar or who knows someone who does or in the future will. Being a woman is not easy and we need to stand together. So many times I hear woman pulling each other down and it breaks my heart. It is easy to judge but you don't know what that woman is going through. We should encourage each other even if we do not necessarily like everyone. Womanhood has so many ups and downs and normally during the downs we stand silent. What if we open up and say hey ladies I am not perfect I am struggling through this. Please pray for me. What kind of world would we live in if we could all be that volunerable. Reading my blog you ladies should all know by now I am NOT perfect by any means. My name is Jenny and I have fertility problems. That doesn't define me but I need some help along the way. If you are brave enough and want to post what your "imperfection" is I would love to pray for you. Thanks for listening to me rant :)

Happy Fathers' Day

This was written yesterday:

Our power went out today. A bad storm knocked a tree down on the power plant down the street. So now I sit writing my thoughts on paper by candlelight to be typed later. I am 3 days late and am getting anxious to know. I'll take a test in the morning but it will most likely be negative. Tomorrow will be a tough day for me as have the last 11 Fathers' Days. (My dad passed away in 2001). But I think tomorrow will be worse. I miss my dad. I also feel bad that I haven't given Ry a baby and he won't get to be a proud daddy tomorrow. I know its not my fault but I can't help feeling guilt and shame. On these days that celebrate parents it makes me ache for the children I will have someday. In the adoption book I read it reccomended along with celebrating parents that churches/Christians pray for couples struggling with infertility that feel left out on this day. I urge you to do the same. Also to all the parents out there- love on your kids today and thank God for blessing you with them. Happy Fathers' Day.

come what may

It has been a crazy week. For those of you who don't know we are moving back home. We currently are almost to the west virginia border. Hours in the car still to go. I have been really nostalgic this week. Saying goodbyes and packing everything you own tends to do that. I remember when we first moved to Virginia. I bawled my eyes out the whole 14+ hour drive. I asked God why I had to leave my family. At the time I had no clue how great our time in Virginia would be. I only saw that I missed my family. But looking back I can see that it was what was best for us. God knew what He was doing. Funny how things work out. Reminds me of the Biblical truths in Jeremiah 29:11 and Romans 8:28. God has a plan for everyone. We just have to trust and follow. Remembering that helps me with the infertility. Right now I am throwing my hands up crying out why but I have to have faith that God knows what is best. That someday like our move to Virginia I will look back and praise God for knowing better than I do. It is so easy to fall into the pit of thinking you know what is best for you but Proverbs reminds us that there is a way that seems right to us but it leads to death. Not a good outcome. I want God to bless my life so I say Lord whatever you want bring it on. Your will not mine. My prayer for myself and for all of you reading is that you will let go and as Carrie Underwood sings let "Jesus take the wheel."

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who am I

Hi everybody! Life has been insanely busy lately and I haven't had much to blog about. So sorry for the lapse in updates. I am not late yet. I should start next week if I'm not pregnant. I feel pretty good so healthwise no real update.

This is going to be more off topic but something I would like to share. I was listening to a song on the radio today and it got me thinking. The song was about how God views us better than we often view ourselves. We see what we are currently not what we will be. The book I am reading about christianity and adoption said something similar. I find myself getting down on myself. It drives Ryan nuts. I get insecure worrying about what others think about me. Last week I heard something that someone had said about me and I cried. I started doubting myself and asking my friends if they thought that about me. Whether the comment was true or not isn't the issue. The issue is that I spend too much time beating myself up about what others think. Instead I should be focusing on what God says about me. The Bible is filled with references about God loving us and us being His children. That He has plans for us and that we will overcome this world. How can I doubt myself with verses like that? Will I mess up? Of course. But does that define me? No. Does the fact that the doctors say I can't get pregnant define me? No. I am a child of God and someday I will be a mother. God doesn't call me barren or infertile. He knows what will happen. So I need to stop looking at myself that way. All this to say do not believe the lies the world tells you. You are a precious child of God and whatever life throws at you will never change that. Keep hoping and dreaming. Believe and trust. You never know when or if it'll happen but if you don't try and have faith it never will.