Tell me again that I am strong

So I have some updates. I had a normal cycle this time. It was only 30 days long. The weird thing was it was one of the most painful cycles I have had. I was woozy and felt like I would pass out each day. And even though I knew it was a good thing to have a regular cycle- this one hit me really hard. I cried and cried. I am still crying as I write this. Church was really great yesterday. During worship I felt God like I haven't since we moved. I started bawling like I used to at Brentwood. God was reminding me that He knows me and sees me. He hasn't forgotten the tears I have cried but He has a purpose in this. He is making me stronger and I have to rely on Him. This journey has really tested my limits. There are days my strength is completely gone and I feel so weak. Like I cannot take another step further. But God has gotten me through. What I have been feeling reminds me of 2 really great songs by Fireflight- Name and All I need to Be. The chorus in All I Need to Be is one of my prayers lately because I do not feel strong enough to do this.  I want to just break down and be done with it. But that is not right. God put me on this journey for a reason and if I give up now I will miss out on what He has for me. I have to keep pushing forward believing God has given me the strength I need to make it.

"All I Need To Be"

Hoping with each new day
I'm moving forward, I push the fear away
And I let go
'Cause I'm so through with barely hanging on
Leaving what's in the past behind
I come closer to crossing over the line
And I won't stop
Until I get what I've been fighting for
You've said it all before

Tell me again that I am strong
Tell me again that I won't fall
I need You here to fix me where I'm wrong
Take me beyond what I can see
Break me, make me believe
You have made me all I need to be

Knowing all that I can do is be open when You start to move
In my heart
And now my God, I finally hear Your voice
You've said it all before

Who I am is all I've got
And I can't be who I am not anymore

(I am strong, make me believe)
You have made me all I need to be
(I am strong, make me believe, make me believe) 

Climb

Hi everybody. I have a lot going on right now. We just got back from an amazing trip to Wyoming and I have family in from out of town. During our Wyoming trip I had a lot of time to think partly because we drove there. It was great relaxing and hiking in such a beautiful place. The thing about it that has really been on my mind since we have been back is the mountains. I think the mountains are a lot like life. (I know that may sound weird but I do have a point coming :) In life most of the time I think we want it to be like the plains of Kansas. Nothing too crazy or tough. Just easy going. But in my opinion life is not that way. There is always some hurdle coming or maybe one you just got through. Its full of ups and downs. As we climb the mountains in our life so many times we just want to be on the top. We don't realize that it is good for us to be hiking up. During that time we are struggling and by the grace of God we power through and eventually get to the top of that challenge. Those that hike know that once you get to the top of where you are going and can fully see the view and where you have come from it is all worth it. Then you head back down refreshed until that next mountain comes. For me my current mountain is infertility. For those reading it may be that or something else. I just want to encourage you today that someday you will get to the top. And I hope that when you do that you can see the beauty in the journey you completed to get there. That you can trust that God got you through this and He will get you through the next one.

Ry and I smiling at the top of a mountain we climbed
Me ready to keep climbing

Share

Happy Monday. I hope everyone is doing well. I am good. I have enjoyed time with family and friends. Ry and I just love our puppy Chandelle. But I don't want this post to be just about me. I have realized that I have been selfish lately just writing about what I am going through and asking for prayer for myself and not using this as an outlet for those who read it as well. Everyone has a story to tell and something they need prayer about. So I want to open up this post for y'all to share what is on your heart. it doesn't have to be fertility related. Also I want to let you know if you ever need prayer please let me know and I will be more than happy to pray for you. I try to catch the prayer request on facebook but I know I probably miss some of them too. So thank you for being there for me through this process. Let me know if there is anything I can do to be there for you :)

2 Years

Hey. Tuesday was a sad day for me. July 5th marked 2 years since we started trying to have a baby. We have endured 24 months of dashed hopes and crying over pregnancy tests. I was kind of down in the dumps because most research shows if it hasn't happened in 2 years it is extremely unlikely it will ever happen. One year is when you get the infertility label. Two years is when you get told that of the couples that make it to this point only 10% ever conceive a child. Those are not good odds. But while I am throwing my pity party I got an e-mail from the leader of the prayer team at the church I started attending again in STL. (I read in the bulletin on Sunday that you could e-mail prayer request and felt led to do so). After telling me that she was praying for me she told me that she didn't know why but God had given her a name for me. Sarena. She thought maybe it was related to Sarah in the Bible. I looked it up and with shaking hands read that Sarena was a Hebrew version of Sarah. Still shaking I started to pray and I felt led to read Sarah's story in Genesis. For those who don't know she was 90 years old when God gave her a child. She didn't believe it was possible at her age. My biological clock is ticking at 27. I can't imagine being 90. As I read I prayed, God speak to me through this. Please tell me why she was told that name. Then I got to Genesis 21:6-7. "Sarah said, "God has brought me laughter, and everyone who hears about this will laugh with me." 7 And she added, "Who would have said to Abraham that Sarah would nurse children? Yet I have borne him a son in his old age." " My heart leaped. I felt God saying don't listen to the statistics and others who say it won't happen. Someday I will be a mom and I will laugh like Sarah. And I will share my story and others will laugh with joy along with me. I'm just believing and trusting my day will come even if I have to wait til I am 90.

Psalm 27

Okay. So I know I just posted yesterday but then I read this awesome verse and had to share. Also I wanted to ask y'all to pray for our puppies Chandelle and Honey (Honey is my mom's). We had to rush Chandelle to the vet tonight. After a bunch of test she has a bad case of pnemonia and possibly a parasite. The vet couldn't believe she was still eating and drinking okay with how bad the infection was. Dogs have 5 lungs and one of Chandelle's was almost full of infection. Our poor girl. Both pups go back to the vet tomorrow making their 3rd vet appointments in a week. I am already very attached to our little one and have enjoyed nuturing her this week. So please pray for them.

Now back to the verse. Ry and I have been reading Psalm. Last night we were on chapter 27 and the last verse just popped out to me. Psalm 27:14 (KJV) "Wait on the LORD: be of good courage , and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait , I say, on the LORD." I feel that is what God has been speaking to me along this journey. Also many wise women in my life have told me the same thing. So often in this life we are rushing toward what we want. We want it and we want it now.  But what is more important than getting what we want is waiting on God's perfect timing. When He tells us to wait there is a reason. While we may not understand, we have to trust that His plan is better than ours. This is SOOOOO hard. Don't read this and think I have this down. Believe me I don't. I struggle with this as much as the next person if not even more. But I keep reminding myself that sometimes the journey is more important than getting to that finish line. What I gain and learn along the way makes the wait worthwhile. And if I am just focusing on where I want to be I miss out on all the good stuff in between. I know this journey, even though it is hard and heartbreaking,  is molding me into the woman God wants me to be. I cannot do this alone and I am so thankful for all the wonderful people God has brought into my life. God will give me the strength to wait. I just have to keep trudging along the path ahead and enjoy each day for what it is not for what I am hoping it will be.

Health Update: I started Tuesday. I was only 2 weeks late so that is good news. With all the chaos going on in our lives lately that is a little to be expected. Stress can definately push a cycle back. So we'll see what next month brings.

As for everything else we are getting settled in Missouri. I love spending time with our families. Ry got a job and started today! I am so proud of him. He is so good at what he does and has a passion for it. So yea Ry. I will hopefully have one soon. I'll give a job update later once I have something for sure.

Ry and I have an addition to our family. We got a puppy. Chandelle (Elle) Ball is an Australian mix. She is beautiful and sweet. We just love her. Oh and I know I'll get questions about her name. She is named after an aviation manuveur. You can google it if you want more details. Having a puppy has helped with some of the infertility pain. I still want a baby but getting to nuture our pup has really helped. I know not everyone can get a pet or even would want to but I would reccomend it to anyone struggling with infertility that can/wants to. Other than that I don't have much to say right now. Have a happy and safe 4th of July this weekend

Hormones

Warning: Before you read this please keep in mind I am very hormonal right now. So I appologize if it skips around or doesn't make sense. i just need to type right now. I am 9 days late and my body is driving me insane. One minute I feel fine the next I want to bawl my eyes out and never get out of bed. Argh. And I am tired. I just want to sleep and eat. Out of no where I get these impulses to eat certain things- I guess craving may be the correct terminology. I'm having hormonal breakout too. It is so frustrating. I don't feel like myself. Women who don't have fertility problems and have normal cycles, the best way to describe it to is like you are on a never ending PMS binge until your body finally gets zapped into reality by a horrible period. I've learned the later you are the more painful and disgusting it gets. Oh the joys of being a woman. I know I am ranting a little bit but I want to show what real life is like for the woman that goes through infertility. We are not all alike. Some do have normal cycles. Some go through it worse that I do (God bless those women I don't know how they do it). But the whole cycle thing is infurating. If they are like me they never know when they will actually start. So they have to go weeks wearing the not so cute underwear in case you start and checking the toliet to make sure. The PMSing is terrible. I have never had it bad until the last 2 years that we have been trying and my cycle went psycho. But I think the worse part is the waiting. Just waiting everyday half hoping you start and half hoping you don't. You pray to God that if you aren't pregnant the torture will end and you can start your period but if you are pregnant that you will finally show up on a test.  It is limbo land and it stinks. I pray that I am the only woman that goes through this but unfortunately statistics show that I am not alone. There are so many woman silently struggling through this when they don't have to be alone. That is one of the main reasons I write my blog. I hope that I can minister to others out there going through something similar or who knows someone who does or in the future will. Being a woman is not easy and we need to stand together. So many times I hear woman pulling each other down and it breaks my heart. It is easy to judge but you don't know what that woman is going through. We should encourage each other even if we do not necessarily like everyone. Womanhood has so many ups and downs and normally during the downs we stand silent. What if we open up and say hey ladies I am not perfect I am struggling through this. Please pray for me. What kind of world would we live in if we could all be that volunerable. Reading my blog you ladies should all know by now I am NOT perfect by any means. My name is Jenny and I have fertility problems. That doesn't define me but I need some help along the way. If you are brave enough and want to post what your "imperfection" is I would love to pray for you. Thanks for listening to me rant :)