Courage

So as many of you have probably heard Ry and I have a huge move ahead of us with very little time to plan. After months of prayer we believe God has opened a door for us and we are going for it. Even though we believe its where God wants us- we are still struggling a little with it. Well that is probably mostly me. See even though this huge opportunity was thrown at us there are still several steps to take to get there. Its not an overnight boom this is what God wants and it all comes together. It is coming together bit by bit, but what I mean is it is taking time, trust, and work to get there. I wish it were easier but then it wouldn't be such a growth opportunity for us. Just like with the infertility we have to take it a step at a time and trust God will show us the next step to take. In all honesty I am scared- actually scared is probably an understatement. But as Dorothy Bernard wrote "Courage is fear that has said it's prayers." It is okay and I think normal to be scared in a situation like ours. But we say our prayers and keep moving. God gives us just enough courage for each step so we keep relying on him. So yes this girl is scared. But am I shaken or not willing to take the next step. No way! I pray that God gives all of you the courage you need to take the big steps He's called you to take.

Contentment in who God Built Me to Be

Hi everybody. Life has gotten much busier. I started my new job last Thursday. I love it but it takes up a lot of time. Anyone in STL looking for a gymnastics class for their kids let me know :) Sorry I have one more commercial for you guys as well. Run For Their Lives is October 29 this year. They are hoping to have a race held in every state. I am coordinating the St. Louis race. If you aren't a runner you can still participate. Walking is allowed. Let me know if you want details :)

Okay now back to the blog. The youth pastor preached at our church Sunday and something he said hit me by surprise and I have been thinking a lot about it over the past couple days. It wasn't in the notes he had printed out for everyone to fill in, but I think it was what I needed to hear most. He said that we need to be content in who God built us to be. I heard those words and I immediately felt God calling me out. Right now I am not happy with my body. I get jealous over the girls who get pregnant without even trying. (I know that's horrible, but I'm being honest here). What I am missing is that maybe God built me this way for a reason. What if my body is doing what God built it to do, but I am so focused on not getting pregnant that I don't see it. God may have built me to never be able to get pregnant and I have to be okay with it. You want to know why? Because there is nothing I can do to change that. I am who He made me and if I don't accept that I will become bitter and jealous. God has a reason for everything and I need to trust Him. A very smart woman told me awhile ago when we were talking about infertility and adoption that maybe God made those woman/men that way so that those children that need homes would have them.  (Thanks Ms. Kelly. If you are reading this you are awesome and I miss you). At the time I agreed with her but I think I secretly hoped I would have a choice between adoption and pregnancy or be able to do both. I didn't want to be who God built me to be. I wanted to be the girl who got pregnant the first try. But God is working on my heart now. I'm realizing this isn't just about me and what I want. It is about the big picture. The more I accept that God built me this way- the more peace I have about the possibility of never getting pregnant.

Tell me again that I am strong

So I have some updates. I had a normal cycle this time. It was only 30 days long. The weird thing was it was one of the most painful cycles I have had. I was woozy and felt like I would pass out each day. And even though I knew it was a good thing to have a regular cycle- this one hit me really hard. I cried and cried. I am still crying as I write this. Church was really great yesterday. During worship I felt God like I haven't since we moved. I started bawling like I used to at Brentwood. God was reminding me that He knows me and sees me. He hasn't forgotten the tears I have cried but He has a purpose in this. He is making me stronger and I have to rely on Him. This journey has really tested my limits. There are days my strength is completely gone and I feel so weak. Like I cannot take another step further. But God has gotten me through. What I have been feeling reminds me of 2 really great songs by Fireflight- Name and All I need to Be. The chorus in All I Need to Be is one of my prayers lately because I do not feel strong enough to do this.  I want to just break down and be done with it. But that is not right. God put me on this journey for a reason and if I give up now I will miss out on what He has for me. I have to keep pushing forward believing God has given me the strength I need to make it.

"All I Need To Be"

Hoping with each new day
I'm moving forward, I push the fear away
And I let go
'Cause I'm so through with barely hanging on
Leaving what's in the past behind
I come closer to crossing over the line
And I won't stop
Until I get what I've been fighting for
You've said it all before

Tell me again that I am strong
Tell me again that I won't fall
I need You here to fix me where I'm wrong
Take me beyond what I can see
Break me, make me believe
You have made me all I need to be

Knowing all that I can do is be open when You start to move
In my heart
And now my God, I finally hear Your voice
You've said it all before

Who I am is all I've got
And I can't be who I am not anymore

(I am strong, make me believe)
You have made me all I need to be
(I am strong, make me believe, make me believe) 

Climb

Hi everybody. I have a lot going on right now. We just got back from an amazing trip to Wyoming and I have family in from out of town. During our Wyoming trip I had a lot of time to think partly because we drove there. It was great relaxing and hiking in such a beautiful place. The thing about it that has really been on my mind since we have been back is the mountains. I think the mountains are a lot like life. (I know that may sound weird but I do have a point coming :) In life most of the time I think we want it to be like the plains of Kansas. Nothing too crazy or tough. Just easy going. But in my opinion life is not that way. There is always some hurdle coming or maybe one you just got through. Its full of ups and downs. As we climb the mountains in our life so many times we just want to be on the top. We don't realize that it is good for us to be hiking up. During that time we are struggling and by the grace of God we power through and eventually get to the top of that challenge. Those that hike know that once you get to the top of where you are going and can fully see the view and where you have come from it is all worth it. Then you head back down refreshed until that next mountain comes. For me my current mountain is infertility. For those reading it may be that or something else. I just want to encourage you today that someday you will get to the top. And I hope that when you do that you can see the beauty in the journey you completed to get there. That you can trust that God got you through this and He will get you through the next one.

Ry and I smiling at the top of a mountain we climbed
Me ready to keep climbing

Share

Happy Monday. I hope everyone is doing well. I am good. I have enjoyed time with family and friends. Ry and I just love our puppy Chandelle. But I don't want this post to be just about me. I have realized that I have been selfish lately just writing about what I am going through and asking for prayer for myself and not using this as an outlet for those who read it as well. Everyone has a story to tell and something they need prayer about. So I want to open up this post for y'all to share what is on your heart. it doesn't have to be fertility related. Also I want to let you know if you ever need prayer please let me know and I will be more than happy to pray for you. I try to catch the prayer request on facebook but I know I probably miss some of them too. So thank you for being there for me through this process. Let me know if there is anything I can do to be there for you :)

2 Years

Hey. Tuesday was a sad day for me. July 5th marked 2 years since we started trying to have a baby. We have endured 24 months of dashed hopes and crying over pregnancy tests. I was kind of down in the dumps because most research shows if it hasn't happened in 2 years it is extremely unlikely it will ever happen. One year is when you get the infertility label. Two years is when you get told that of the couples that make it to this point only 10% ever conceive a child. Those are not good odds. But while I am throwing my pity party I got an e-mail from the leader of the prayer team at the church I started attending again in STL. (I read in the bulletin on Sunday that you could e-mail prayer request and felt led to do so). After telling me that she was praying for me she told me that she didn't know why but God had given her a name for me. Sarena. She thought maybe it was related to Sarah in the Bible. I looked it up and with shaking hands read that Sarena was a Hebrew version of Sarah. Still shaking I started to pray and I felt led to read Sarah's story in Genesis. For those who don't know she was 90 years old when God gave her a child. She didn't believe it was possible at her age. My biological clock is ticking at 27. I can't imagine being 90. As I read I prayed, God speak to me through this. Please tell me why she was told that name. Then I got to Genesis 21:6-7. "Sarah said, "God has brought me laughter, and everyone who hears about this will laugh with me." 7 And she added, "Who would have said to Abraham that Sarah would nurse children? Yet I have borne him a son in his old age." " My heart leaped. I felt God saying don't listen to the statistics and others who say it won't happen. Someday I will be a mom and I will laugh like Sarah. And I will share my story and others will laugh with joy along with me. I'm just believing and trusting my day will come even if I have to wait til I am 90.

Psalm 27

Okay. So I know I just posted yesterday but then I read this awesome verse and had to share. Also I wanted to ask y'all to pray for our puppies Chandelle and Honey (Honey is my mom's). We had to rush Chandelle to the vet tonight. After a bunch of test she has a bad case of pnemonia and possibly a parasite. The vet couldn't believe she was still eating and drinking okay with how bad the infection was. Dogs have 5 lungs and one of Chandelle's was almost full of infection. Our poor girl. Both pups go back to the vet tomorrow making their 3rd vet appointments in a week. I am already very attached to our little one and have enjoyed nuturing her this week. So please pray for them.

Now back to the verse. Ry and I have been reading Psalm. Last night we were on chapter 27 and the last verse just popped out to me. Psalm 27:14 (KJV) "Wait on the LORD: be of good courage , and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait , I say, on the LORD." I feel that is what God has been speaking to me along this journey. Also many wise women in my life have told me the same thing. So often in this life we are rushing toward what we want. We want it and we want it now.  But what is more important than getting what we want is waiting on God's perfect timing. When He tells us to wait there is a reason. While we may not understand, we have to trust that His plan is better than ours. This is SOOOOO hard. Don't read this and think I have this down. Believe me I don't. I struggle with this as much as the next person if not even more. But I keep reminding myself that sometimes the journey is more important than getting to that finish line. What I gain and learn along the way makes the wait worthwhile. And if I am just focusing on where I want to be I miss out on all the good stuff in between. I know this journey, even though it is hard and heartbreaking,  is molding me into the woman God wants me to be. I cannot do this alone and I am so thankful for all the wonderful people God has brought into my life. God will give me the strength to wait. I just have to keep trudging along the path ahead and enjoy each day for what it is not for what I am hoping it will be.