Mountains and Valleys- The Wait

Most of you know that we are trying to get licensed again to foster/adopt. (We were foster parents in AK) This process has taken FOREVER. We were told originally that it would only be a couple months max. Now seven months later we are still waiting. It has driven us crazy and been a subject of lots of prayer. A couple weeks ago I was especially anxious and praying. In the middle of my prayer God reminded me of a story that really threw me for a loop. It was one of those "God did you really just say that" moments. As I share this with you, you may have the same sentiment. Don't say you weren't warned ;)

So years ago while I was babysitting we went to the park. We were playing and the little boy said he needed to go to the bathroom. So we walk to the bathroom. His brother went in with him and I waited. After a bit his brother comes out and we continue to wait. I am about to send the brother back in when I hear his voice shout, "Come onnnnnnn penis!!!" (sorry that is the word). When he came out and I asked him about it he told me I wanted to be done going so he could go back to playing.


I asked God why are you reminding me of this? This does not make sense.


In that moment He gave me clarity. I'm the child in the story. I am trying to rush through the mundane tasks of life and get back to playing. You can't do that. Stop trying to rush it. Eventually you'll be done with this phase.


Not the answer I wanted.

Wait.

Really?


I'm trying to do a good thing. A Biblical thing. God says to take care of orphans. I could fill this blog with verses on that. I have been a foster parent before and insert other reasons why there should not be THIS long of a wait. So why am I waiting?


At church our pastor used a metaphor for why we go through the rough times/ wait. He talked about how we want to go from mountain top to mountain top without the valley. But growth does not happen on the mountain tops. At the tops of mountains are rocks and snow. Nothing grows. The growth is in the valley. So it is with life. In the valley- that is where we grow.

Case in point- On Black Tail. Notice the snow and rocks. No greenery. 

In the valley at the Nature Center. Green everywhere. 

This wait has caused growth. We are on our knees daily for our future kids. Most days in the quiet moments I say a quick prayer for them as well. Or when I am bawling my eyes out catching Annie or anything orphan related. It is like one of my favorite songs "Orphan" by John Waller. I tear up every time I hear it. The line "Little did they know, little did they know Mom and Dad were coming" describes us. These kids have no clue we are coming. But we pray daily for God to make it happen.


And it is not just for them. During this wait I have felt the weight of adoption as a need for a miracle. The joining of a child to a new family is a miracle. The process is long and difficult. So while we wait on that miracle, I have my Wall of Miracles with index cards of everyone we are praying for daily. During this wait we are seeing Him move.



This wait is driving me crazy, but I have faith when the timing is right He will bring our family together. I cannot wait to share that with all of you.


I know we all have things we are waiting for whether it be kids, jobs, education, money, health, ect. So much of this life is in the waiting. But I am reminded of one of my favorite Bible verses.

Isaiah 40: 31, "But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint."




We like the end of that verse. Yes, strength, eagles wings, run, and walk. But that fourth word. Wait. In order to get those things we have to wait. So while I am ready to fly. I am ready to be on that mountain top. I must wait. I must grow. And when we get there it will all be worth it.

So if you are waiting too- take heart. God is with you. He has a plan. Keep trudging through the mundane. Someday you'll be playing on the mountain tops.

The Other Path

To all the moms out there- Happy Mother's Day! The rest of this post probably doesn't apply to you.

To the rest of us- the ones labeled barren, infertile, motherless or whatever the correct term for it is- I know today is probably one of the hardest days all year. If you are like me you just want to hide under the covers all day and wake up Monday morning with this holiday over. No news feeds full of happy families. No sermons on the joys of motherhood. You probably skip church this day or have a plan to hide in the bathroom until the mothers portion is over. It is a reminder of what we are missing. It is just hard.

So on this hard day I want to encourage you. God has really been working on my heart about my priorities and the bitterness I sometimes have when it comes to things to do with motherhood. My mantra for today has been "Christ is enough for me." When the aches of my barrenness come- Christ is enough. When I want to pity party- Christ is enough. When I see my news feed full of babies and sonograms- Christ is enough. See for too long I have been putting my joy on the hopes of having a child. Acting as if God just gave us kids, everything would be perfect in the world. I am learning though that if I can't find joy in Jesus, I won't find joy in motherhood. Jesus is enough and every other blessing He gives is just a bonus.

Side note- Don't let facebook or instagram bring you down. Research shows that they can cause depression. Don't believe me- google it. These websites give us the impression that every family is perfect and that all we need is just to be like them and we'll be happy. Don't believe the lies. Life is messy for everyone. If looking at social media is having a negative effect on your emotions, turn it off. There is no shame in that. There are days I can't take it and the best thing I can do is avoid it.

The other thing I have been learning is that it is okay to be on what I'll call "the other path." We grow up seeing motherhood as the end all be all of womanhood. If you're not a mom then what are you? Why are you not a mom? I used to think it was because I was not good enough or that God didn't love me as much as He loved those He blessed with children. That is a dangerous road full of hurt. God loves you. He chose you to walk the other path- not because He doesn't love you- but because He DOES love you. You hear from adoptive moms all the time how it was all worth it. We may want to just shrug it off and say maybe for you- you're a mom now. But God keeps whispering in my ear, "Trust me. I love you. My plan is the best. Walk the path I have for you." I'm guessing He is saying the same to you. It is easy to get discontent and caught up in the what our lives would be if we did the other path. DON'T! That makes you miss the good of the path you are on now. Sure it is less traveled and has crazy dips and turns, but it is your path. There is beauty in the wait. While I focus on what my life would have been like without infertility I am a miserable, bitter person. When I focus on finding purpose while on the other path, I still have rough days but there are, also, good days. Below are some of my good days and I am sure if you think about your life you'll see the good times too. :)

Days climbing rocks in the Blue Ridge Mountains.

Days hiking on glaciers.

Days camping with lions and hippos.

Days investing in kids who need love and need to know Jesus.

If I had gone straight to motherhood, would I still have done these things? Would I still have the ache to help children in need? Would I be me?

Maybe yes or Maybe no. We'll never know. All I know is I cannot change the path God has for me. I do not know what is around the next bend.

I do know that whatever comes, God is with me and He loves me.

So if you are walking the other path, find the good in where you are. Know you are not alone. And know that God loves you and has a purpose in this.

Stand Strong and Light Up the Darkness

A lot has happened since my last post. We have seen God working in our lives. A few weeks back I walked into church barely able to walk. Clinging to my husband for balance, I went forward for prayer. After that Sunday, my vertebrae are back in place and so is my hip. I can walk and even hike now. Recently we went on a five mile hike. The girl who could barely stand through a worship set at church is now hiking.

We, also, had a financial miracle. We came back to the States without insurance. It was an emergency. I was in the hospital for a week getting testing done because I had the symptoms of a stroke. I did not want to go because I was worried about the cost- but the situation forced me. We applied for financial assistance and recently got a letter saying my hospital stay was completely covered.

These are only recent miracles. Looking back I see God's hand in so many things. I cannot tell you how many times God has come through for us. You would think with all of these amazing things happening life would be easy- but the hits keep coming. For every victory, Satan has come back hitting us harder trying to keep us down. We believe that part of my health issues has been from a curse being put on me. I have not just been facing health problems but spiritual oppression and attacks. I have tormenting visions. I plead the blood of Jesus over me and they go away- but they keep coming back. With my health, I am healed of one thing and then comes something else.


I know I am not the only one experiencing this. We have a list of people we pray for daily that need miracles. The darkness is trying to extinguish our light. It is trying to keep us from becoming who God created us to be. They have it wrong though. It is in darkness that the light shines the brightest. Why can't you see the Northern Lights in Alaska during summer? Because there is no darkness then. It is in the cold, dark nights of winter that the sky is lit up. It is out in the bush of Africa with no city lights that the stars shine so bright. See the irony is that when things are going wrong, when we are in the midst of trials- that is when our faith comes out if we let it. There are times I want to run in fear. I want to say "No more. I can't fight." But God has been showing me I don't have to fight. I just have to stand on the Rock (Jesus). The battle is His and He has already won. 2 Chronicles 20:15 says, "Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's." We can't do it- because He has already done it.

It is easier to stand if others are standing with you. So this is my invitation to all who are struggling. Let's stand together. Share just your name or your prayer request. When God answers or another attack comes share that too. If there is interest, I would like to start a facebook group for us to stand together in prayer for each other.

Desert Dweller

This morning has been rainy- not exactly the weather one generally hopes for on their birthday. Normally I would want sunshine or a good snow (aka a foot of snow that you can actually play in). Being in Africa changed my viewpoint on rain though. Here rain is an annoyance. We get rain in abundance off and on throughout the year. In Bots, it only rains during the rainy season. You get a couple months of rain and then nothing for the majority of the year. When I say nothing, I am not exaggerating. There is a reason it is called the dry season. Due to this rain is precious. To give you a hint at the value they place on rain, the word for rain is the same word they use for money. Nearing the end of the dry season everyone is waiting for that first rain especially on years that the dam is low. ( article on the water almost running out). We want an end to water rationing (yes, our water was turned off for days at a time). The earth is thirsty for that rain and so are we.

Nxai Pan 

Right now I feel like I am in a dry season. Everyday I am in pain. My bones ache but it is not just my bones. My heart hurts in ways I cannot fully describe. I am grumpier than I want to be. My joy is missing. I'm just not me. We are in a season of waiting and it is hard. Some days I just want to give up. Hillsong United wrote a song called "Desert Song" and I feel it fits us right now.

"This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides

And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me, Lord, through the flame"

This desert is difficult but I know God is walking with me. Ezekiel 37 is the chapter about dry bones. God brings Ezekiel to a valley of bones and tells him to prophesy life into the bones. Then God does the miraculous and brings the bones to life. In a commentary on this chapter the unknown author writes, "The reviving of the dry bones signified God’s plan for Israel’s future national restoration. The vision also, and most importantly, showed that Israel’s new life depended on God’s power and not the circumstances of the people. Putting “breath” by God’s Spirit in the bones showed that God would not only restore them physically but spiritually as well." (Full commentary) 

 I think God is promising us the same thing. Now before you start thinking I am spouting out the prosperity gospel, let me explain. Our restoration may happen here or in heaven- but it will happen someday. I have spent the last year in pain and I may continue to be in constant pain until I breathe my last breath. However, God promises that there will be no more pain in Heaven (Rev. 21:4). This life is temporary. I'm not going to give up a life of eternal joy due to an earthly temporary life of pain. So I trudge on. It is not easy. If I am honest, most days it is more of a crawl than a walk. There are days I have to rely on others to carry me. (Thank you so much to everyone who has been there for me. Y'all are amazing). But I know a day is coming where the sky will open up and the rains will come. On that day, I don't plan to walk- I am going to dance again in the rain. 

Dancing in the rain Thanksgiving 2013

So if you are in the desert place too, don't give up. If you are lonely or weary, find someone to walk with you. I'm not the best company currently, but we can walk/crawl together. 

Also, I would be remiss not to mention that even in the desert there is beauty. It is not the same as an ocean or mountain top. Sometimes you have to work harder to see it. Hold onto those moments while waiting.

Makgadikgadi

In sickness and in health

It has been a long time since I wrote. Every time I try, I end up erasing it. Explaining where I am at right now is difficult. My body is one place and part of my heart is here as well- but a big part of me still has not come back to the States. I miss Bots. There is a moment almost everyday where I am reminded of it and I am happy and sad at the same time. Don't get me wrong. I love being with my family and friends that I have spent way too little time with over the last five years. It was amazing meeting my niece. I met her at her first birthday party. I got to spend time with my other nieces and nephews over Christmas and couldn't believe how much they had grown. I kept thinking my niece was her older sister because there was no way my little niece could have grown that much. Time kept ticking by while we were away and it is good to get caught up.

However,

I miss my friends

I miss our adventures

I miss the wildlife. Where else can you camp with the lions, hippos, and rhinos?

But most of all I miss the kids and our mission. 

If we loved it so much why did we leave? My health. It has gotten pretty bad and my doctor (and several other doctors and nurses) said it was time. So I have had test after test run but the doctors can't diagnose it. They say obviously something is wrong but they do not know what. Some say autoimmune, others say neurological, and others say there is a spiritual warfare component. I have even changed my diet to try to boost my immune system. We are that desperate. It has been incredibly frustrating and part of me just wants to give up and go back.

What keeps me here is I believe God has a purpose in this. While in Africa we saw 2 miracles. The first was the dog bite being healed. The leg went from gushing blood and me being incoherent about to pass out to us laying hands on it and the bleeding stops and I regain clarity. The doctor at the hospital was amazed. He chastised us for wrapping it because "you don't do that with bites without lots of blood."

The other miracle was God straightened my spine. The doctor thought some of my pain was caused by my scoliosis. Friends laid hands on my back and prayed and my spine straightened. It caused me to grow over an inch and a half.

In that moment, God could have healed whatever is causing this but He didn't. That tells me that there is a reason. I have been seeing doctor after doctor and getting to share our story. I get weird looks when I say God straightened my spine- and that's okay. After all we've been through searching for answers and wanting a diagnosis, I have come to the conclusion that the doctors aren't going to fix me. We aren't waiting on them to perform just the right test or for me to eat just the right diet or take the right medicine. We are waiting on another miracle.

We don't fully understand the purpose of the wait. This has been going on for eleven months. We may never have a clear picture. However, we are going to continue our mission back in the States. We are going to share God's love. We are going to open up our home to orphans. We are going to make the most of this time. I may be in pain but I'm not dead yet. I can still make a difference. I cried in church last week as we sang the line from "In Christ Alone" that states, "No power of hell. No scheme of man. Can ever pluck me from His hand." God is in control. My job is not to understand but to trust and obey.


"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." Albert Einstein

Scars and Love

​We just celebrated one year in Africa :) Africa has been quite the adventure. Full of ups and downs. Unfortunately due to my health, we are heading back to the States soon. I haven't written much because my health continues to decline and typing with numb fingers is a challenge. I won't give more details here but please pray for me. Africa has definitely left its mark on me. I mean this literally and figuratively. I am going home with physical scars from our time here. While the rainbow bruise is gone, almost a year later I still have my scar from the dog bite from Sam's dad. It reminds me of the miracle God did that day. So while perfect legs would be nice, I will enjoy my scar and praise God. I, also, have a scars from the impetigo. They are tiny and may go unnoticed but it is another reminder of what God has brought us through. The most difficult scars though are the ones left on my heart. We are leaving behind amazing people who are family to us. We love you guys. We are leaving behind two great organizations we were proud to be a part of. But the hardest is leaving the kids. Just like Mark and Kaitlyn before them, these nine kiddos have a piece of my heart. Their names are forever etched on my heart. My heart hurts but an amazing thing happens when you love- truly love. Even though you give and give, your heart grows instead of shrinks. My heart is full even in this pain. This life is about love. There is so much hate in the world today. Don't believe me- just turn on the news. That is not who we are meant to be. Shine your light and love today. As I think back on our time here I think of a quote by Mother Theresa. She said, "Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love." I did not do anything huge here. I did not leave my mark on Africa as it did on me. However, I did little things that I hope spoke of the love of Christ. I hope when those little ones remember Auntie they remember what I told them as I held them. "Auntie loves you and Jesus does too."

Don't Run

Fear and pain. Wow do I hate those. Yet so often they are intertwined. That's me right now. Most of you may already know and may be sick of hearing about it but I am battling severe pain. Still. Argh. Started before Easter and 2 months later is still here. Medicine hasn't helped. Still no real diagnosis. And I am tired. I am weak. And I want to give up. I feel like a failure. I keep hearing come home! I want to run. I want to run all the way back to the States- back to what I know. Back to what is comfortable. But I know I need to stand firm. In 1 Peter 5, Peter describes Satan as a lion on the prowl and tells believers to stand firm against him. Running from a lion while it may be instinct is exactly what you are not supposed to do. A popular phrase here and a great book is "whatever you do don't run." (The book is by Peter Allison) Instead you are to face the predator, get as big as possible, and stand your ground. Then the predator will hopefully see you as another predator and not as prey- and then it will back down.  In this journey called life from time to time a lion (or a bear, moose, water buffalo, you name it) will come into our path. We all have 2 options- run or muster up our courage and strength in the Lord (we can't do this on our own) and stare down that lion. Please continue to pray for Ryan and I as it seems like we are continually facing one of the Big 5 in our path. It is hard- but this is where the Lord has called us. I know He is using this to mold me from this shy, weak little girl into a brave, strong woman for Him.  Thank you for the encouragement and prayers. May we bring glory to God as we stand for Him no matter what lies in our path.

Goodbye

Saying goodbyes are always tough- especially when you don’t know if you’ll get to see them again. I still remember cradling a sleeping Kaitlyn in my arms one last time before handing her back to her social worker. I remember the tears streaming down my cheeks when the van carrying Mark drove away. Those moments still fill me with ache. With Vincent, I did not get an official goodbye and for a while that hurt. I came in and heard from the kids that he went home.  Even with the happiness for him there was sadness of separation. I see now I was spared a tough goodbye. Looking back on that last day- I wouldn't have changed it. We had school time and went to the playground. He was scared of the slide and would only go down if I held his hand. Then he would giggle the whole way down. We got to swing together and snuggle. I hugged him bye as I do with all the kids. He yelled out the window, “Auntie! Auntie!” I waved and he blew me kisses. I blew kisses back and went home. No pain- just a happy day. I rejoice over the reunification. That is the goal- family for each little one. More goodbyes are coming and with each a part of my heart goes. But instead of holding onto the sadness and self-pity- I choose joy. I choose to remember the good times. I am a part of these kids’ story. I don’t know for how long or short- but I am going to make it a good part. I cannot do that wallowing in what could have been. I must live in the moment and enjoy each day for the blessing it is. Goodbyes are coming- but so are hugs, kisses, laughs, dances…

Prayer Request- Still not well. Full round of antibiotics and vitamins but still having chest pain, back pain, and occasional fever with chills. Taking the week to recover. Please pray that I can kick whatever this is and have my immune system functioning again. I miss the kiddos. Thanks :)

 First flight in Africa! :)

Expand

Happy Mother’s Day! I have been so blessed. My mom is amazing. I could write a whole blog post praising her for raising my siblings and me. We saw her beautifully fulfill her wedding vows of “in sickness and in health” as she took care of my dad throughout his battle with cancer. I love and miss you Mom. I, also, have Ryan’s mom who has blessed us so much. But beyond physical family- God has given me many women who have become spiritual mothers and sisters to me. Moving all over and being away from family is not easy. The Lord has been faithful though to give me family wherever He took us. Here in Africa he has already brought incredible women who bless me so much. But while I have so many- my heart breaks that there are some who have none. Why am I so lucky and they so unfortunate? How does this happen? I believe God is calling us to stand in the gap for those kids.

I love the movie Courageous. It is about men standing up to be the fathers God has called them to be. I watched it with my mom and she said at the end, “they need to make a version of this for the women.” I agree. It is time for us to nurture those we currently have in our life and to add others into the fold. I have been reading Nurture: Give and Get What You Need to Flourish by Lisa Bevere. (Wonderful book) The premise of the book is that it is time women start taking care of each other and the younger women. This world needs more women willing to be mothers to those who need one. You see it every day in the news. Stories about abortion, child abuse/neglect, violence… and we wonder what is wrong with this world. Sin but also that children are growing up physically but they are not being raised. When I did a research paper in college about foster care I could not believe the statistics linking foster children to drugs, alcohol, teen pregnancy, and crime. These kids NEED someone. You are probably reading this and thinking that’s great and all- but I already have my hands full with my own family. This crazy lady doesn’t have kids so she doesn’t understand why I can’t. I know I only had children in my home for a short time but I remember how hectic life was. I remember the days I did not have a moment to myself until I collapsed into bed late at night. I am not saying anyone should neglect their family to reach out to others. What I am saying is pray to see if God wants you expand your influence. Lisa Bevere wrote, “But the truth is none of us were created for maintenance, we were made for expansion. Daughter of the Most High, God wants to enlarge the life of each and every one of us. He wants to push us out over the brink of what we can control in our own abilities and strengthen and position us to realize the lives He has for us outside our neat and tidy packages.” This is not just about adoption and foster care. I know that is not for everyone. But there are other things we can do. Volunteer at your church. Pastors correct me if I am wrong- but I am pretty sure just about every children’s and youth ministry is looking for more volunteers. Just a couple hours a week and you can make a difference. How do I know this? I saw this with Mark. He LOVED going to church. This little boy with a hard exterior and a rough childhood melted in the safety of his AWANAs class. When I asked him who his best friend at church was- he said his teacher. Be a mentor. Be a tutor. Coach a sport. Find the lonely and invite them to lunch. Pray and ask God to show you the opportunities you have to make a difference. A new generation is coming up. They need our wisdom and our care. Let’s not let them down. So this Mother’s Day I am asking you to prayerfully consider inviting someone new into your life. Yes, it is time consuming and can be hard work- but it is worth it. I have now had to say goodbye to 3 little ones (one of my toddlers went home with their family). It hurts but I have joy knowing that I got to be a part of their story. Whether they remember me or not- I will remember them. See when you mother a child it not only changes them, but it changes you too. I have such precious memories of my babies. I am super sick right now (pretty sure its pneumonia but for a while we thought it might be malaria) but all I want is to be well so I can go snuggle with my little ones. Sometimes I feel that they bless me more than I bless them.

So my challenge to you is to pray. Pray that God would open your heart. That you would be willing to expand your sphere of influence.  Then follow His leading. He won’t call you to something that He won’t give you the strength to do. Albert Einstein said, “A person starts to live when he can live outside himself.” Let’s start living.

My Kiddos

                                                       My Mom and me (circa 2006)

Auntie

I have had a lot of quiet time to ponder this week and God has really been working on me. In Bible study we talked about the story of Elisha in 2 Kings 2:6. It was about seeing things from a different perspective - a heavenly perspective.

2 Kings 2:16 says, “And Elisha prayed, "Open his eyes, LORD, so that he may see." Then the LORD opened the servant's eyes, and he looked and saw the hills full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha.”

So that has been my prayer lately: Open my eyes Lord.

I have also been pondering dreams. A close friend of mine has been pursuing her childhood dream of being a figure skater. Ryan is finally flying which is an achievement of his childhood dream. For me my dream has been to be a mother and to have my own orphanage. Ryan and I have been praying for a child for almost six years now. But we’ll get back to that. Tuesday I came home stressed. I had a meeting and was asked to shake up the orphanage preschool program. To “make it my own.” That is a lot of responsibility and I was overwhelmed at first. I voiced my fears to Ryan and his response was exactly what I needed. He said, “Jen, you have always said you wanted your own orphanage - looks like you got it.” He got me back on the right perspective. In my alone time this week I have been praying for the program and continuing to pray for a child of my own. It is then I heard in a small whisper “Take care of the children I have given you. You keep asking for a child but I have already given you 8.” I may not be a biological mother or legal mom but just like my former foster kiddos were my babies - I am accepting these little ones as my own. It may not look how I saw my dream growing up but I think it is even more beautiful. As I think of those kids my heart is full of joy. I could yammer on about them all day.  If I am on the floor there is always one in my lap and another trying to crawl on. Or there is another little one (or two or three) doing my hair. Oh how they love to play with my hair. There is dancing and playing and learning. I am Ma Jenny or Auntie. Instead of one or two kids, I have been blessed with 8. I do not care if they are mine biologically or legally. I think of Mother Teresa and Amy Carmichael who had hundreds of children but none bio/adopted. I wonder if they still ached for one of their own or just appreciated the motherhood given to them a different way. I want to say that the ache is gone and will stay gone. That I will be content in mothering the children of others. Right now that is true. I have a peace and a joy that fills that ache. In “Dancing Upon Barren Land” Lesli Westfall urges infertile women to plant seeds of character and talent while on the infertility journey. I hope I am doing that. God is changing my perspective and opening my eyes to see my dreams through His eyes. I pray that I continue this way and do not let hormones or bitterness blind me.

When I was 17 praying for this future I did not envision it this way. (I, also, don’t think Ryan saw his dream being fulfilled like it is right now). However, I don’t think I would have it any other way. It is not always going to be pretty. I know heartache will come when I have to say goodbye. I went through that in Alaska and my heart was torn into pieces. But when goodbyes come I believe God will give me another quiver full to love and look after. Such is our messy beautiful life - to love and let go. So pursue your dreams. Pray for what is on your heart. But also be prepared for God to work it out HIS way.

 

I would love to share pictures of my babies with you but due to confidentiality reasons I am not allowed to take any. So instead I'll share a picture of me on an adventure enjoying my new peace and joy. 

Driving

As many of you probably already know in Africa they drive on the other side of the road than they do in America. So you sit on the other side to drive, the gearshift is on the other side of you, and the windshield wipers and turn signal are on opposite sides. It takes a little bit to get used to driving differently. As I was driving to pick Ryan up at the airport I realized there were several similarities between driving in Africa and my infertility journey. For starters as I just mentioned it take some getting used to both. I don't think anyone goes into trying to conceive expecting problems. Once you hit infertility challenges you have to make some adjustments. Eventually you get more used to it but it still feel weird. When I turned on the main road I had to fight my instincts. I kept wanting to switch sides and had to remind myself that I was already in the lane I needed to be in. I was thankful when I saw another car and could reassure myself that I was doing it right. I have to do that with this journey as well. I want to go my way but I have to stay on the path God is leading me through. Then there are the difficulties on the roads: huge potholes and animals crossing the road.  Only going a few miles I had to stop twice for herds of goats and once for a donkey. The animals don't care if a car is coming. If you have read my blog at all you already know that infertility has many difficulties. The hormones and health aspect but just as bad is the emotional side. If I am honest I can tell you I get bitter, angry, jealous... on a regular basis, especially the months that I skip a period and start to hope. Those are my potholes that I have to pay attention and swerve to miss. Only by God's mercy and a lot of prayer can I get through.

I know I have just hit on the negatives but there are positives to both as well. I love being in Africa. It is an amazing experience. Where else in the world can you camp with lions, elephants, and hippos outside your tent? From desert dry salt pans to lush deltas, the scenery is vastly different and beautiful. Infertility is part of my journey and without it I may not have had some of the great experiences and be the person I am. So as much as I wish I could erase infertility from my life- it is a part of me. I have to embrace it and try to enjoy the ride. Whatever life throws in your way be it goats, cattle, donkeys, or something much crazier- trust God and just keep driving. He will lead you where you need to be.

African sunset

Bridge 

Goats in the road                                                                 Driving

Valentine's Day

I want to start off by sending out a huge thank you for your prayers. I am doing much better. No more wraps or being contagious. Best of all I can hug Ryan and the kids at the school. I have been back at the preschool and got many hugs and heard the chants of "Teacher Jenny" before I even got to the classroom. Such a blessing to be healthy again.

While I am physically healthy again my emotions have been a roller coaster the last few weeks. I guess that goes along with the infertility struggle. I have been crying and begging God for a miracle. Not just a miracle in us being able to conceive but a miracle in us being able to foster or adopt here. They do not do foster care here- correction they DIDN'T do foster care here. The government just approved an organization here to start a foster care program. The pilot (first) foster care program for the whole country. It is completely unheard of until right now. Up until now they have believed if the family members won't take the children in (kinship foster care) then the best place for them is in an orphanage. Now social workers are being trained next week and in March they are having parent training. Precious children are going to get a family. The little girls from the orphanage we visited on Christmas who begged me to take them home will get a home. My heart is overflowing with happiness. We had a meeting on Monday and are officially on the "potential foster parent" list. We have had our documents from Alaska e-mailed to us to show we have had training and been approved in the States. Now we just pray and wait. Nothing may come of this for us. While I'd be heartbroken, I will still be thankful they gave the children a family. However I can't help but believe that God brought us here and now for this. (See Esther 4:14 "Yet who knows whether you have come to the kingdom for such a time as this?") That it is Him intervening on our behalf and on the behalf of our children. Maybe that is just the cry of my heart. I am praying: 

Psalm 68:6 "God sets the lonely in families" 

and

Psalm 113:9 "He settles the childless woman in her home

    as a happy mother of children.

Praise the Lord."

Even if it is not for us. Let them have a family. 

Today is Valentine's Day and I can't help but look back on last Valentine's Day. I am a crazy nostalgic person. Speaking of crazy, last year it was one of the craziest days of my life. We had M and K. Between getting them to school with valentines and treats, teaching, hosting a party for my class, conferences for my students, and then 4 appointments for the kiddos- I was wiped out when I got home. But then I got hugs from the kids and valentines. My heart melted and it was one of the best days. We have the valentines in our safe because they are so special to us. Wow, how I miss those kiddos. 

Thinking about M and K I can't help but think of other children who are in foster care or don't have a family. Please say a prayer for them. Today is all about LOVE but what if you don't have anyone who loves you? Jesus loves all of us but what of those who don't know Him? As we celebrate love let us be thankful for the love of Christ and the people in our lives who love us. Let us also remember to lift up the lonely. 

The Mummy Diary

i'm going to try to write a post. if you could see me you'd understand why i said try. my arms are wrapped up like a mummy. my fingers are bandaged together so i am doing the point and peck method with my thumbs. oh and i am wearing sunglasses because my eyes are swollen and light sensitive. so please excuse typos and non capitalization. i should be sleeping but the thoughts in my brain won't stop swirling til i write them. so here we go.

i got a terrible contagious skin rash. probably one of the worst medical conditions i've had and i have had a lot. i find myself empathizing with Job in chapter 2 where he takes broken pottery to scrape his skin off. his pain is so bad he wishes he had never been born. ouch. he also asks 'why' a lot. i find myself doing the same. any time we suffer i think we question it. i'm all woe is me and Lord why am i suffering when i am doing what you called me to do?  i just want to be out of pain and i consider living in a bubble for the rest of my life so i can't catch anything else. i focus on what is temporary and not what is eternal. this pain will pass. this life will pass. eternity will not. i can be angry that someone made me ill or i can continue loving the people God brings me into contact with. living in a foreign country is not without risk. chances are if i continue what i am doing i will catch something else but is that enough of a reason to stuff doing what God has called me to do? I got this quote in my devotions this morning and i love it:

"we are created by God to do great works. He invites us to outlive our lives, not just in heaven but here on earth... may you live in such a way that your death is just the beginning of your life." max Lucado, out live your life

i want to leave a legacy. the kids i serve now will become adults someday and they will impact others. its the whole ripple effect. i can't do that if i stay stuck in my suffering or if i hold back out of fear. this life on earth is hard- but it is temporary. and the best part is that we don't have to walk it alone. right now no one will touch me- not even my husband- but Jesus will. I know He is holding my hand guiding me down this road. i can't say i know what you are going through. some of you are walking through things harder than i am. all i can say is Jesus is with you and keep chasing His will. If you do that then you will outlive this life.

                                                                     All wrapped up.

The Ache That Won't Let Go

Christmas is just around the corner. People are making lists of what they'd like for Christmas and out shopping. If you asked me what I want- I'd either give you the real, deep desire or the basic. For most people I'd just say clothes, shoes, books... but for those that know me well they already know what I want. What I have wanted for 6 Christmases now. I yearn to be a mom this Christmas. I don't just want to be a mom. It is not a "oh it would be so cool if we conceived or adopted." It is an ache that as hard as I try to get away from it- I can't deny. It is especially hard this year because I have been a mom now. I miss my foster kiddos and I miss being their mom. Most days I can push the thought aside- but it is still there. Then there are the days that it overwhelms me and I try to be strong. Those days I hide from people and cry. It is painful and messy.

With it being Christmas time it makes me think of the birth of my Savior. The world had be waiting for his for so long and finally He was here. Emmanuel with us. So beautiful and amazing. But what is sad to me is that so many people missed it. They ached for their Messiah but they missed Him when He came. Why? How does something like that happen? I think it happened because their vision and God's vision weren't the same. They thought the Messiah would free them from Rome. When Jesus didn't do that they turned from Him. They missed that Jesus did something greater than what they were hoping. He didn't conquer Rome- He conquered sin and death.

So how does this relate? Too often I let my aches and my vision blind me from God's vision. It does not look like I planned so I want to reject it. I'm like the Pharisees, so stuck on my way. My way would be nice. I would be a mom with 5 kiddos and a nice house somewhere in America. But God has something better. My way I would miss out on foster parenting. It was so hard- but rewarding. I probably wouldn't have gone to Alaska or be in Africa now. I wouldn't have gotten to teach some amazing kids or help out with a great group of teens. I ache to be a mom but I don't want to let that cause me to miss out on God's plan. His way is the best way. So as hard as it is, I wait. I don't know if you can relate or not. I just wanted to be real and call myself out on something I am struggling with.  This next month will be rough as we are in a waiting spot. I'm not teaching and that makes the waiting harder.  Please pray for me to not let my yearning to be a mom blind me from the call God has put on my life.



What I Would Have Missed:

                                      "Good Morning Mommy" Hugs From This Little Girl

                     Playing and skiing in the snow and being called "the cool Mom" at his school

                               A class of great kids and friendships with wonderful teachers

Volunteering in Africa and hearing "Good morning Teacher"   "You are beautiful Teacher"    "I love you Teacher" everyday.

                                                   Camping with rhinos and giraffes


Yes, I still ache to be a mom. But I have had a pretty awesome life so far. We'll see what adventures God still has in store.

I'm Second

Many of you may have heard of the site I Am Second. Great site I highly recommend checking it out. http://www.iamsecond.com/ . Over the past few months God has really been working on my heart in regards to that. In this life it is so easy to get caught up in yourself. Your wants. Your desires. Our flesh cries out for it. Putting God and others first doesn't come as natural. But it is what we are called to do. My husband and I have been reading the Gospels and Christ makes it pretty clear. In Matthew 10:26-28 he says,

"... but whoever desires to be great among you, let him be a servant. And whoever desires to be first among you, let him be your slave- Just as the Son of man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many."

As Christians we are supposed to be like Christ. Christ served- so we must serve. You can't read through the gospels without seeing over and over "and Jesus had compassion on them and met their need."  How many times are we so focused on our wants/needs that we miss out on meeting someone else's need? How many times are we moved with compassion and still do nothing? I've been reading "To Live Is Christ to Die is Gain" by Matt Chandler. There is an entire chapter on humility. He reminds the reader that, "A life of humility is based on the cross of Jesus Christ, which tells us that Jesus could have done NONE of it but decided to endure ALL of it." Let that soak in. Maybe read it again. Christ had a choice and He chose to serve us. If anyone who has walked this Earth has had a right to be served by others it would be Jesus. Yet he didn't sit back and have the disciples pamper him. It was the opposite. He served them (He washed their sandy, messy feet) and He served others. How can we not look at that and try to serve others?

I was taught once to use the JOY method to pray when I was young. praise Jesus first. pray for Others second. pray for Yourself last. But I think this goes beyond prayer. To have joy in this life we must put Jesus and others before ourselves. It is not easy. Take infertility for example. When I am weeks late and miserable my initial reaction isn't to praise God for it and be thankful for the opportunities I've had to serve others through it. No. I want to rant and rail "Why ME God?" But when I get in the I am Second mindset- it is not so bad. Yes, physically I am still a wreck but God strengthens me to fight through it. So some may be asking how on Earth can I flip it around and see my infertility as a positive? When I think about my foster kiddos, the students in my classrooms, and the orphans I hope to help here- not having my own biological children doesn't feel so bad. When I think of everywhere God has brought me and all the experiences I've had- I can trust Him that He knows best. Serving others and serving Christ gives me joy to fight through the struggles of infertility. When I focus on me- that's when the depression of infertility hits.

I am by no means saying this is easy. Far from it! We cannot do it on our own. It is only Christ in us that allows us to do so. But it is the only way to truly live. So this Thanksgiving I am issuing a challenge to you and also to myself. Let's try living Second. Put God first in all things. Serve others before yourself. This is how we share our faith and change the World. So who is with me?

Lessons from Life and Dog Bites

We had one of those nights last night that you never forget. We've had many "Wow" moments along this crazy journey. I was planning to write about last week when after our field trip we had a little African butterfly (they had their faces painted at the park) snuggled up and fell asleep on my lap. In that moment I felt my heart change from wanting to adopt here to having an ache in my heart to do so. I know I am here to try to help these precious children that God puts in my path. I may write more about that later because now I have something else I need to write.

Last night I got bit by a dog. Now you may be asking "How is that life changing or a Wow moment? Shouldn't it just be an Ow! Moment?" We believe we saw a miracle last night and the more I look back at it the more I see as one. So as I sit here in pain I will try to shed some light on it. Last night we decided to go look at some German Shepherd puppies. Now due to some crazy circumstances (we finally got a rain/ dust thunderstorm, it was dark and windy outside, the pups were moved from their parents because of said storm, and other things I don't fully understand) when I walked by the daddy dog, he bit me. It hurt. I got to the other side of the fence before falling to the ground in pain. Ryan came over and calmly started taking care of me. I couldn't see but he said the blood was gushing and he thought it must have hit an artery. My shoe was immediately full of blood. The lady whose dogs we went to see got her first aid kit and started cleaning it. Ry applied pressure and tried getting ahold of someone to call an ambulance, because we are in another country and 911 doesn't work here. We stopped and both laid hands on my leg and started praying over it. Things did not look good at the time. I was getting dizzy and nauseated. I wanted to lay down and go to sleep. But I knew we needed to pray. Ry said I prayed in tongues but all I remember was saying "Jesus." Within a minute the blood started to stop. We bandaged my leg and went to the hospital. After limping around trying to figure out where to go I went in to see the doctor. He took the bandage off and there was little to no blood. He asked, "Why did you bandage it? Bite wounds need air unless they are bleeding badly." In that moment we didn't know what to say. The dog owner, Sandra, and I just looked at each other completely shocked. The doctor gave me a few shots (including rabies shots IN THE WOUND) and stitches. It was quite painful but during the whole experience I had a sense of calm. In the beginning I thought I might bleed out but after we prayed I just knew I was going to be okay. Ry kept his head about him as well. In this situation it would be easy to get angry or start the blame game- but that didn't happen. We constantly reassured Sandra that it was okay. She asked me at one point where I was from and I didn't think much about it until Ryan said I spoke in tongues. I hope that our attitude, praying, and the healing was a witness to her about God. We are going to reconnect in a few days.

Now I am still in pain and I have to get another Rabies shot in a few days, it would be easy to be upset about all of this. I got bit by a dog. I will be limping around for a few days and will probably have scars from it. But instead of getting upset- I am thankful. Thankful I didn't die and that God healed my wounds. Thankful for the peace and chance to show our faith to a complete stranger. Thankful to see that God is in control in all situations. I am in a foreign land and it can be scary sometimes. Going to a hospital in a country where HIV is common with an open leg wound is scary. Preaching in front of a crowd like I have been asked to do Saturday- is scary. But I can look back on this night and know that God is with me no matter where I go. That is comforting and for that I am so grateful. My lesson from last night: wherever you are whatever your circumstance, God is there with you too. We don't need to be afraid. Our God has got it covered!

Blessed

This has been a crazy busy week. My heart and my eyes have been opened so much in these few short days. I have been avoiding writing in part because of the busyness- but also because I struggle with the words to explain. But I feel the need to try.

Most of you probably know that my husband and I are in Africa now. We've been here a little over 2 weeks. This week I started helping out at a preschool/ daycare. In my selfishness I dreaded getting out of bed that first morning. (I am not a morning person. need coffee to survive the AM) When I got to the school, however, it was so worth it. These beautiful children surrounded me with hugs and saying "good morning teacher" "you are beautiful teacher" "I love you teacher." Then I got to worship God, teach, and play outside with them. They stole my heart. Not saying it was easy. I went home worn out. Child to teacher ratios aren't the same here as in the States. But that is another story.

3 days ago I had a conversation with one of the children that started a change in my heart. The children's assignment was to draw their house and their fattest cow (cattle is a sign of wealth here. instead of asking how much $ you make you wonder how many cows they have). Thula was very artistic and drew a wonderful drawing of a house- but then he stopped. I told him well done on his house and that I couldn't wait to see the cow. He got a sad look on his face and told me he couldn't draw a cow because his father did not have one.

The next day I had a conversation with the head teacher and she told me most of the children get so excited and fight over the toys is because the only time many of the children see toys is when they are at school. She asked me if children in America had many toys. My heart was broken. I remembered my childhood when I had so many toys that many sat on the shelf for days before I rotated them into the play schedule. I spent many hours marrying my Barbies to my Ninja Turtles and having them live in my toy castle. I thought of how my childhood would've been different if I had no toys. I came home sad and wanting to do something about it. I am resolved to do some awesome art projects with the kids and try to make them some toys they can take home.

I have been seeing all of these thankful post on Facebook this month and I think it is great. We should be thankful. There is a meme going around that says something along the lines of "November the month every one posts what they are thankful for before going back to complaining on Facebook the other 11 months." We have so much in the States. There are the basic necessities that we don't even think about that other countries don't have. Food, water, shelter, electricity... Can you imagine not being able to provide that for your family? We went on a field trip yesterday and half the children could not go because their family could not afford it. It was like the Botswana version of Disneyland and cost less than $20 USD. Some families here make less than that in a week and Botswana is one of the richer countries in Africa. I felt poor back in the States because we could barely manage financially. Compared to other places in the world- we were millionaires. I complained and was miserable about our financial situation but here they have so much less and are happy.

I am not writing this to make anyone feel bad. I just want us to see how blessed we are in the U.S. and encourage you to do what you can to help the less fortunate. I don't believe God blessed us with $ to keep it all to ourselves. It is easy to focus on ourselves and what we don't have. I do it too. But this life is not supposed to just be about what we can get out of it. In Matthew 25:40 (the sorting of the goats and sheep parable) Jesus says, "Inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these My brethren, you did it to me." Let's take our faith and start doing something with it. Feed the hungry. Adopt an orphan or give to a family trying to adopt. Give blankets and shelter to the homeless. Spend time with a widow or child in need. Babysit for a family that desperately needs a break. Fill a shoebox for Operation Christmas Child. The list goes on. We can stand by and complain about these things or we can get up and do something.

Sorry I felt that needed said. I will get off my soap box now.

Quick Update

Dumela! (Greetings) We have made it to Botswana. This post will be fairly brief. I just wanted to give a quick update. I basically have 2 things to share.

A. We are in Africa. So far we are enjoying it and working on adjusting. Jet Lag has been rough. We had not fully gotten on a schedule when we moved from Alaska so we were still pretty much on Alaska time when we moved here. There is a 10 hour difference. So our bodies are having to adjust. In addition we are working on learning the language and the culture. They do speak English but we are learning some words are different from English in the States. For example Ryan asked for a napkin at a restaurant and the waitress gave him a look. Over here they are serviettes and napkin is the word for diaper. We are also are learning to convert dollars into pula (8:1) and Fahrenheit to Celsius.

B. If you saw my "We're Having a Book" post you know we were hoping I was pregnant. Unfortunately that is not the case. I have started using some natural remedies and we will see if that changes things. I'm hoping for improved health and anything else is just a bonus. Like all things I am learning it has to be in God's timing. He knows what is best and I just have to trust. I have to let go and believe. Obsessing over it makes me miserable and does not change a thing.

So like I said I am going to make this brief and leave it at that. Hopefully later I will be able to write more. Please pray for us as we adjust to our new life and culture. Thanks :)

The Story Behind: "We're Having a Book"

So I know I have been writing a lot about Africa lately. This post is going to get back to being more about infertility. Just a heads up.

As many of you know Ry and I have been trying for over five years to conceive. It has been quite the roller coaster. Infertility is so hard. It attacks you in every aspect: physically, emotionally, mentally, and even spiritually. Your body becomes not your own. While you are in physical pain and can be subjected to many doctors appointments and medicines. Those medicines can make you feel even worse. Ask Ry- I was not me while taking Clomid. It works for some people but not me. Then there is the constant monthly (if your cycle is even normal) reminder that you aren't pregnant. That can leave you in tears for days. You can beat yourself up about it and second guess everything you did that month. Maybe I drank too much coffee. Should I have ate more broccoli? And sometimes you wrestle with God. I cannot tell you how many times I have asked Why me Lord? So any way you look at it- infertility sucks. Sorry no other word to describe it. It is messy and can reek havoc on your marriage. When your hormones are making you psycho and you cry at the drop of a hat or get hurt/angry over nothing. Not the stuff Disney makes movies about. Just saying. (Luckily I got a good guy who stands by me and understands when I have my crazy moments.)

So long intro to get to the story of yesterday. With infertility being so hard sometimes even in the hard stuff you have to step back and laugh. I am late. That may explain my ranting. But anyway, yesterday I broke down and took a pregnancy test. Now I have taken at least 50 of these tests. I have taken so many we should have bought stock in them. Seriously. So after taking it I get:

                         

What? I start getting upset. I KNOW how to take a pregnancy test. Why is there an error/ look at instructions message. Then the thought is whispered in my ear. Let's have fun with this. Instead of crying or stomping my feet in anger, I needed to laugh. So I saunter downstairs test in hand and wave for Ry to come over. I take his hand and lead him upstairs. Then in my most serious voice I said "Babe. If I am reading this test right (long pause) we are having a BOOK." The look on his face was priceless. After it all set in we both started cracking up and even posted it on Facebook.

So why am I sharing this? Life is HARD. Everyone faces trials of some sort. Jesus told us their would be trials. So we can focus on the hard stuff and be miserable. Or we can let it go and enjoy our life.

Jesus doesn't just leave us with a warning saying we'll have trials. The verse continues on to say:

John 16:33, " I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

Take heart guys. Jesus has overcome it all. Don't let your trial bring you down. Let it make you stronger. 

PS. Now I am not saying this because I have it all down pat. I struggle with this too.