What is on my mind right now

Ryan made me post my previous blog entry (I was just writing to get my feelings out and didn't plan on posting it). I am so thankful he did because I have gotten so much encouragement from you guys. I really appreciate it and it means a lot to me. Doing much better today :)

One of my favorite songs lately is "Kings and Queens" by Audio Adrenaline (see link below). After not listening to it for awhile because I would cry when I heard it- I listened to it again yesterday. Yep still makes me cry. I thought of M and K and said an extra prayer for them. It also got me thinking of Botswana and the orphanages I will hopefully be working in. I started crying tears of sadness as I prayed for the orphans of Botswana but those tears turned to tears of joy. I am so thankful Ryan and I will be able to do something to help those children. This is the call God has placed on our lives and it is so amazing seeing the pieces come together. Before church last night we found out the gender of my sister's baby. Ryan had predicted it correctly. We started talking about it and he said he just always knows. So I asked him what gender our kids will be. He said he didn't know yet and he did not know if they'd be biological or adopted or what race they would be. He just knew we would have a lot of them. He had seen the same vision of us being surrounded by kiddos. It is hard seeing facebook statuses about pregnancy and knowing we may never experience that. But then I think of the kids that need a family. The kids we will be able to welcome into our family. That takes the pain away. 

Last post I asked for prayer for me. This time I ask that you pray for the orphans and children in foster care all over the world. Thank you :)

This is the YouTube link to the video of "Kings and Queens"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rAlE2EnUP5A

Broken

Cheyenne got spayed, shots, and micro-chipped yesterday. She should be ready for Africa. Just need an international health certificate for her. But needless to say she was not feeling well last night so we stayed in to keep an eye on her. We decided to watch a movie and to my surprise Ry picks out What to Expect When You're Expecting. He was trying to pick a decent girly movie since we are constantly watching "guy" movies. I had some reservations about it but went with it. If you are going through infertility this may not be the best movie for you to watch. I had tears in my eyes through most of the movie. It brought up some emotions that I try to stuff down and not think about. I do have to say they had a couple going through infertility in the movie. I am normally not a J. Lo fan at all but I really related with her character. At one point she goes into the speech I think every woman that has difficulty conceiving says or thinks. Ry looked at me and said that sounds familiar. That feeling that you are a failure as a woman because you can't conceive. At the end of the movie Ry asked when's it going to be our turn. We are going on five years of trying and most of the time we do okay. But I think those feelings are like an undertow, dangerously below the surface ready to drag you down at a moments notice. I know God has a plan in this and when I focus on that I do okay with it. Having the foster kiddos helped but now that we are moving we can't take anymore. I have been trying to find my place in this move. I have sent out my resume several places to volunteer with orphans or in a hospice preschool but have not heard anything back. I have an ache in my soul to be mothering kiddos whether they are mine or not and I just feel restless right now. We are in this in between/ limbo place. I know this is where we learn and grow but its also where it is the hardest. I feel like an Israelite in the desert saying "God when will we get there?"   Sorry I'm just trying to be real with you guys. I try to make these post encouraging but today I'm not there. I'm broken and I could use some prayer. When we had to give K back (that was so hard. We would have adopted her in an instant if we could have) I had a vision of this beautiful stained glass window. I was confused until God reminded me that He could take broken things and make them beautiful. So I'm not there yet but I pray that someday I will shine like that window and reflect God's love.