Sunday, August 28, 2011


So as many of you have probably heard Ry and I have a huge move ahead of us with very little time to plan. After months of prayer we believe God has opened a door for us and we are going for it. Even though we believe its where God wants us- we are still struggling a little with it. Well that is probably mostly me. See even though this huge opportunity was thrown at us there are still several steps to take to get there. Its not an overnight boom this is what God wants and it all comes together. It is coming together bit by bit, but what I mean is it is taking time, trust, and work to get there. I wish it were easier but then it wouldn't be such a growth opportunity for us. Just like with the infertility we have to take it a step at a time and trust God will show us the next step to take. In all honesty I am scared- actually scared is probably an understatement. But as Dorothy Bernard wrote "Courage is fear that has said it's prayers." It is okay and I think normal to be scared in a situation like ours. But we say our prayers and keep moving. God gives us just enough courage for each step so we keep relying on him. So yes this girl is scared. But am I shaken or not willing to take the next step. No way! I pray that God gives all of you the courage you need to take the big steps He's called you to take.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Contentment in who God Built Me to Be

Hi everybody. Life has gotten much busier. I started my new job last Thursday. I love it but it takes up a lot of time. Anyone in STL looking for a gymnastics class for their kids let me know :) Sorry I have one more commercial for you guys as well. Run For Their Lives is October 29 this year. They are hoping to have a race held in every state. I am coordinating the St. Louis race. If you aren't a runner you can still participate. Walking is allowed. Let me know if you want details :)

Okay now back to the blog. The youth pastor preached at our church Sunday and something he said hit me by surprise and I have been thinking a lot about it over the past couple days. It wasn't in the notes he had printed out for everyone to fill in, but I think it was what I needed to hear most. He said that we need to be content in who God built us to be. I heard those words and I immediately felt God calling me out. Right now I am not happy with my body. I get jealous over the girls who get pregnant without even trying. (I know that's horrible, but I'm being honest here). What I am missing is that maybe God built me this way for a reason. What if my body is doing what God built it to do, but I am so focused on not getting pregnant that I don't see it. God may have built me to never be able to get pregnant and I have to be okay with it. You want to know why? Because there is nothing I can do to change that. I am who He made me and if I don't accept that I will become bitter and jealous. God has a reason for everything and I need to trust Him. A very smart woman told me awhile ago when we were talking about infertility and adoption that maybe God made those woman/men that way so that those children that need homes would have them.  (Thanks Ms. Kelly. If you are reading this you are awesome and I miss you). At the time I agreed with her but I think I secretly hoped I would have a choice between adoption and pregnancy or be able to do both. I didn't want to be who God built me to be. I wanted to be the girl who got pregnant the first try. But God is working on my heart now. I'm realizing this isn't just about me and what I want. It is about the big picture. The more I accept that God built me this way- the more peace I have about the possibility of never getting pregnant.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Tell me again that I am strong

So I have some updates. I had a normal cycle this time. It was only 30 days long. The weird thing was it was one of the most painful cycles I have had. I was woozy and felt like I would pass out each day. And even though I knew it was a good thing to have a regular cycle- this one hit me really hard. I cried and cried. I am still crying as I write this. Church was really great yesterday. During worship I felt God like I haven't since we moved. I started bawling like I used to at Brentwood. God was reminding me that He knows me and sees me. He hasn't forgotten the tears I have cried but He has a purpose in this. He is making me stronger and I have to rely on Him. This journey has really tested my limits. There are days my strength is completely gone and I feel so weak. Like I cannot take another step further. But God has gotten me through. What I have been feeling reminds me of 2 really great songs by Fireflight- Name and All I need to Be. The chorus in All I Need to Be is one of my prayers lately because I do not feel strong enough to do this.  I want to just break down and be done with it. But that is not right. God put me on this journey for a reason and if I give up now I will miss out on what He has for me. I have to keep pushing forward believing God has given me the strength I need to make it.

"All I Need To Be"

Hoping with each new day
I'm moving forward, I push the fear away
And I let go
'Cause I'm so through with barely hanging on
Leaving what's in the past behind
I come closer to crossing over the line
And I won't stop
Until I get what I've been fighting for
You've said it all before

Tell me again that I am strong
Tell me again that I won't fall
I need You here to fix me where I'm wrong
Take me beyond what I can see
Break me, make me believe
You have made me all I need to be

Knowing all that I can do is be open when You start to move
In my heart
And now my God, I finally hear Your voice
You've said it all before

Who I am is all I've got
And I can't be who I am not anymore

(I am strong, make me believe)
You have made me all I need to be
(I am strong, make me believe, make me believe)