NYE + Cry

I hope everyone has been enjoying the holidays. This time of year is so special. Christmas celebrating Christ's birth and new year's the birth of a new year. This time of year is extra special for me because Ry and I got married between Christmas and New Years. Thursday we celebrated five years. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful man. Infertility is not an easy thing for a couple to go through. There are days the hormones make me so emotional. The littlest things can make me cry. Ry was wanting to take pictures of me and I started crying because the hormones give me acne and I didn't feel pretty. Or there are days when I just want to shut myself off from the world. Or the tears from just wanting a baby so badly. (I have to admit I cry a lot at home). But during those times you really need someone who knows you and your situation and can pull you out of the funk. I hope none of you reading this has to go through infertility and all the challenges it causes- but if you do find someone you can be open and honest with about your situation. It really does help.

So tomorrow starts a New Year. I have no clue what 2012 will bring but I look forward to writing about it.

Provide

I'm on my lunch break and Chandy is wanting to play- so I don't know if this post is going to happen or not. I'll do my best to share what's on my heart and hope it all makes sense.  For those of you that know me well you know I am a planner and a worry wart. I like to know what's coming and what to expect. But I have been learn that things don't always turn out the way we plan. Actually more often than  not they don't. That's not necessarily a bad thing though. I've learned that even when I don't see how it will work out and my plans are falling apart that its because I am focusing on me. I should be focusing on God and trusting Him to take care of it. He does tell us to cast our cares on Him. Ry and I had a budget problem this month. I won't go into the details but according to my math our bills weren't going to get paid. I cried when we got our paychecks because I didn't think it would be enough. But we prayed and when I calmed down and we did the bills somehow there was enough. I still can"t explain it but I learned God's math is different than mine. And then there is our fertility issue. I want a baby so bad and I'll get down in the dumps about it. Then God will bring someone to encourage me. I met a couple women who weren't supposed to be able to have children that have kids. These ladies didn't even know my situation but by sharing they uplifted me. And then there is Chandelle. Ry and I laugh because we swore we would never be those people whose pet becomes their baby but now we are those people. Chandy fills a lot of that void in my heart from not being a mom. So I don't know if I've made my point but here it is: God will provide. I don't know what those of you reading this are going through but I do know that God can take care of it. He has always taken care of Ry and me. We still have wants but as far as our needs they are all covered. Things may not turn out how you expect but have faith and it will turn out :)

I haven't really written much about my infertility journey since we moved to Alaska. I think I've kind of just been keeping it all to myself. I miss having friends that I can be open with and share the details. I have Ry and he's pretty good about deciphering when I'm good and when I'm not but I don't really want to share with him the details. Its not very sexy discussing my cycle and hormones whether it be lack of or too much of. All that is TMI for most people and I get that. So its been tough. What else is tough is getting told NO! WAIT! by God. I thought we had it figured out. We have been discussing becoming foster parents. I was soooo excited. I thought finally I can be a mom. I was even looking at websites for cribs and neutral crib bedding (found really cute Precious Moments ones). I knew I was ignoring that voice in my head saying this is not the right plan but I really wanted it. God clearly told me that we aren't supposed to do it and after talking to Ry he confirmed that he felt the same way. Its so frustrating but I have to wait. For some reason we don't understand Ry and I aren't supposed to be parents yet. God has that door closed now and it breaks my heart. I cried a lot at church today. But I believe in His perfect timing that door will open. I have to remind myself of what Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 1 that mans wisdom is less than God's foolishness and our strength less than His weakness. Even at my wisest- God is infinitely wiser. So I wait and trust. Please pray for me to have strength while I wait and to meet people I can share my journey with. Its lonely keeping this stuff in and I am really shy. Thanks :)

Oh and Alaska update. We've had lots of snow. Ry said he heard on the radio we have already had over 30 inches of snow and we are getting more this week. Below are a couple Alaska pics.

Knots Prayer

Okay so I haven't written anything in forever. We have been super busy. A friend of mine posted the knots prayer on her facebook a couple days ago and I have been really thinking about it. The prayer is:

"Dear God,
Please untie the knots that are in my mind, my heart and my life.
Remove the have nots, the can nots and the do nots that I have in my mind.
Erase the will nots, and might nots that find a home in my heart.
Release me from the could nots, would nots and should nots that obstruct my life.
And most of all, dear God, I ask that you remove from my mind
my heart and my life all of the am nots that I have allowed to hold me back,
especially the thought that I am not good enough.

Amen,

(author known to God)"

I think all of us fall into one of those categories. We let all of these "nots" bring us down and away from who God made us to be. I know I do this too. I focus on the fact that I am not a mother and that I may never be one and it breaks my heart. But when I focus on what I am and what I have- I find contentment and peace. So when you start to think about all those nots, I encourage you to flip it around. Think about the positives of your life. There are enough people and events that will pull you down, don't make the mistake of doing it to yourself.

So we are in Alaska now. God is good. We have really seen him move in our lives in the past couple weeks. We can happily give you the update that Chandelle is doing great! God healed our pup. The vet didn't know if she'd make it but two weeks later she is perfect. Her shattered shoulder is healing without a splint or surgery. Her lungs which were filled with blood are doing great. Her stitches are out. She limps a little but that should go away soon. There's no getting beyond the fact that she was miraculously healed by God. We are so thankful. She should be joining us up her soon :)

The trip to Alaska was long but beautiful. We went through Iowa, Minnesota, North Dakota, Montana, and Canada. We spent part of a day in Canada at a natural hot spring. We were swimming in hot tub like water and it was cold out. The mountains were beautiful too. We have started to settle in even though we miss everyone. We both have jobs. Ryan loves his. He has already gotten to fly in a float plane with a coworker. I have only worked one day- but so far I like it. I'm teaching toddlers. God is good. Below are some pictures from our trip :)

Chandelle

Life is crazy. Many of you probably already know- but right now Ry and I were supposed to be 5 hours away on our way to Alaska. That was our plan. However, as many of you also know, Chandelle our puppy got hit by a car last night. PLEASE pray for her. Her wounds are pretty bad. The vet said she may not make it. Her shoulder is broken and she has lacerations on her legs. But the worst is her lungs. She is having trouble breathing and the vet thinks her lungs have blood in them. Our poor baby. The good news is she is starting to stabilize. The vet didn't expect her to be doing as good as she is this morning. Praise Jesus. He is healing her. She is not our of danger yet. She still has some serious wounds. So please pray for her. We love her so much. As I write this even though I know she is at the vet, I keep looking for her. She isn't hiding under the desk at my feet or laying on the bed waiting for me to be done. And that breaks my heart. We are still trying to figure things out about Alaska- so please pray about that as well. We can't deter our trip too long because it is almost winter up there and we won't make it if we do.

The weird thing to me about all of this is on the way to work yesterday I was listening to the radio. They had Carrie Roberts on and she was talking about her song "No Matter What." As I listened to that song, I just felt in my heart that God was asking me- do you trust Me? Will you serve me no matter what? I thought it had to do with Alaska. I was all of course I will. We are moving aren't we. Or maybe the infertility stuff was what He was asking about.  But I think God was preparing me for that night. He was preparing me to say okay God no matter what- Your will. I know He can heal Chandy. He can do the impossible. But it has to be HIS will not mine. It has to be for His glory. Its not about me. My heart is broken- but there is a bigger picture a bigger purpose. All I can do is pray and trust and say No matter what Lord.

Please please pray for her and for us. Thanks.

Patience

Hi everybody. Hope you had an awesome Labor Day! I got to spend a lot of time with family which was great. We also took Chandelle on several walks :) We heard great sermons too. Ryan listened to a sermon online because he couldn't go to morning service because of his job and he heard what he needed to hear. And I went with my mom and heard what I needed. (Don't you love when that happens :) My pastor preached about patience. He talked about when, why, and how to be patient. One of the main points was that we can be patient because God is in control. I know I try to speed up his time table for my life and try to put myself in control. That never works out well. That's usually when I get frustrated and impatient. I want to skip over the time He has set to prepare me for what is coming. I want a baby now. I want to know all the details about our move now. But it doesn't work that way.

Pastor Wetter said, "God's purpose for your life is greater than any problem in your life." That really hit me. I say it all the time that God has a purpose and a plan in all this. And He does. I'm going to try to remind myself of that when I start getting impatient. When I'm impatient that's when I tend to forget...

Keep hoping and moving forward patiently. Hope= H.olding  O.n  P.raying  E.xpectantly

Have a great week :)

Update

Life has been crazy busy. I am working a lot and when I am not working- I am working on stuff for Alaska or trying to squeeze in as much time with family and friends before the move. It has been insane. Still no job for me or a place to live up there. We are moving in less than 3 weeks! We'll have a week on the road before we get there but not knowing where we are living yet is tough for me. I find myself checking every AK housing website everyday (sometimes several times a day). We are so blessed to have help from 2 families in Alaska so I am hoping and praying we will know soon. The good thing about being so busy is that I have not had time to stress about the infertility. So in that area of my life I have been doing okay. Well that is until I check facebook and see all the pregnancy statuses or get asked "You're married and great with kids- why don't you have any yet?" I spare most people the details and just tell them we've been trying. That is such a tough question because I even find myself asking that question. Not in the same manner that others are asking. They are just curious and want any answer. I walk away with tears in my eyes because I want the real answer. I want to know why my body hates me and causes me so much physical and emotional pain. I want to know if I'll ever be able to have kids. But right now I don't have an answer and its tough. But I just have to have faith that God's plans are bigger and better than mine. Who would have thought years ago when Ry and I got married that in the first 5 years we'd live on both coasts (Virginia and Alaska). I believe that God is going to do big things in our lives if we let Him. This infertility is preparing me for what He has next. I hope that in five years we'll be able to look back with amazement at the journey God has taken us on.

Courage

So as many of you have probably heard Ry and I have a huge move ahead of us with very little time to plan. After months of prayer we believe God has opened a door for us and we are going for it. Even though we believe its where God wants us- we are still struggling a little with it. Well that is probably mostly me. See even though this huge opportunity was thrown at us there are still several steps to take to get there. Its not an overnight boom this is what God wants and it all comes together. It is coming together bit by bit, but what I mean is it is taking time, trust, and work to get there. I wish it were easier but then it wouldn't be such a growth opportunity for us. Just like with the infertility we have to take it a step at a time and trust God will show us the next step to take. In all honesty I am scared- actually scared is probably an understatement. But as Dorothy Bernard wrote "Courage is fear that has said it's prayers." It is okay and I think normal to be scared in a situation like ours. But we say our prayers and keep moving. God gives us just enough courage for each step so we keep relying on him. So yes this girl is scared. But am I shaken or not willing to take the next step. No way! I pray that God gives all of you the courage you need to take the big steps He's called you to take.

Contentment in who God Built Me to Be

Hi everybody. Life has gotten much busier. I started my new job last Thursday. I love it but it takes up a lot of time. Anyone in STL looking for a gymnastics class for their kids let me know :) Sorry I have one more commercial for you guys as well. Run For Their Lives is October 29 this year. They are hoping to have a race held in every state. I am coordinating the St. Louis race. If you aren't a runner you can still participate. Walking is allowed. Let me know if you want details :)

Okay now back to the blog. The youth pastor preached at our church Sunday and something he said hit me by surprise and I have been thinking a lot about it over the past couple days. It wasn't in the notes he had printed out for everyone to fill in, but I think it was what I needed to hear most. He said that we need to be content in who God built us to be. I heard those words and I immediately felt God calling me out. Right now I am not happy with my body. I get jealous over the girls who get pregnant without even trying. (I know that's horrible, but I'm being honest here). What I am missing is that maybe God built me this way for a reason. What if my body is doing what God built it to do, but I am so focused on not getting pregnant that I don't see it. God may have built me to never be able to get pregnant and I have to be okay with it. You want to know why? Because there is nothing I can do to change that. I am who He made me and if I don't accept that I will become bitter and jealous. God has a reason for everything and I need to trust Him. A very smart woman told me awhile ago when we were talking about infertility and adoption that maybe God made those woman/men that way so that those children that need homes would have them.  (Thanks Ms. Kelly. If you are reading this you are awesome and I miss you). At the time I agreed with her but I think I secretly hoped I would have a choice between adoption and pregnancy or be able to do both. I didn't want to be who God built me to be. I wanted to be the girl who got pregnant the first try. But God is working on my heart now. I'm realizing this isn't just about me and what I want. It is about the big picture. The more I accept that God built me this way- the more peace I have about the possibility of never getting pregnant.

Tell me again that I am strong

So I have some updates. I had a normal cycle this time. It was only 30 days long. The weird thing was it was one of the most painful cycles I have had. I was woozy and felt like I would pass out each day. And even though I knew it was a good thing to have a regular cycle- this one hit me really hard. I cried and cried. I am still crying as I write this. Church was really great yesterday. During worship I felt God like I haven't since we moved. I started bawling like I used to at Brentwood. God was reminding me that He knows me and sees me. He hasn't forgotten the tears I have cried but He has a purpose in this. He is making me stronger and I have to rely on Him. This journey has really tested my limits. There are days my strength is completely gone and I feel so weak. Like I cannot take another step further. But God has gotten me through. What I have been feeling reminds me of 2 really great songs by Fireflight- Name and All I need to Be. The chorus in All I Need to Be is one of my prayers lately because I do not feel strong enough to do this.  I want to just break down and be done with it. But that is not right. God put me on this journey for a reason and if I give up now I will miss out on what He has for me. I have to keep pushing forward believing God has given me the strength I need to make it.

"All I Need To Be"

Hoping with each new day
I'm moving forward, I push the fear away
And I let go
'Cause I'm so through with barely hanging on
Leaving what's in the past behind
I come closer to crossing over the line
And I won't stop
Until I get what I've been fighting for
You've said it all before

Tell me again that I am strong
Tell me again that I won't fall
I need You here to fix me where I'm wrong
Take me beyond what I can see
Break me, make me believe
You have made me all I need to be

Knowing all that I can do is be open when You start to move
In my heart
And now my God, I finally hear Your voice
You've said it all before

Who I am is all I've got
And I can't be who I am not anymore

(I am strong, make me believe)
You have made me all I need to be
(I am strong, make me believe, make me believe) 

Climb

Hi everybody. I have a lot going on right now. We just got back from an amazing trip to Wyoming and I have family in from out of town. During our Wyoming trip I had a lot of time to think partly because we drove there. It was great relaxing and hiking in such a beautiful place. The thing about it that has really been on my mind since we have been back is the mountains. I think the mountains are a lot like life. (I know that may sound weird but I do have a point coming :) In life most of the time I think we want it to be like the plains of Kansas. Nothing too crazy or tough. Just easy going. But in my opinion life is not that way. There is always some hurdle coming or maybe one you just got through. Its full of ups and downs. As we climb the mountains in our life so many times we just want to be on the top. We don't realize that it is good for us to be hiking up. During that time we are struggling and by the grace of God we power through and eventually get to the top of that challenge. Those that hike know that once you get to the top of where you are going and can fully see the view and where you have come from it is all worth it. Then you head back down refreshed until that next mountain comes. For me my current mountain is infertility. For those reading it may be that or something else. I just want to encourage you today that someday you will get to the top. And I hope that when you do that you can see the beauty in the journey you completed to get there. That you can trust that God got you through this and He will get you through the next one.

Ry and I smiling at the top of a mountain we climbed
Me ready to keep climbing

Share

Happy Monday. I hope everyone is doing well. I am good. I have enjoyed time with family and friends. Ry and I just love our puppy Chandelle. But I don't want this post to be just about me. I have realized that I have been selfish lately just writing about what I am going through and asking for prayer for myself and not using this as an outlet for those who read it as well. Everyone has a story to tell and something they need prayer about. So I want to open up this post for y'all to share what is on your heart. it doesn't have to be fertility related. Also I want to let you know if you ever need prayer please let me know and I will be more than happy to pray for you. I try to catch the prayer request on facebook but I know I probably miss some of them too. So thank you for being there for me through this process. Let me know if there is anything I can do to be there for you :)

2 Years

Hey. Tuesday was a sad day for me. July 5th marked 2 years since we started trying to have a baby. We have endured 24 months of dashed hopes and crying over pregnancy tests. I was kind of down in the dumps because most research shows if it hasn't happened in 2 years it is extremely unlikely it will ever happen. One year is when you get the infertility label. Two years is when you get told that of the couples that make it to this point only 10% ever conceive a child. Those are not good odds. But while I am throwing my pity party I got an e-mail from the leader of the prayer team at the church I started attending again in STL. (I read in the bulletin on Sunday that you could e-mail prayer request and felt led to do so). After telling me that she was praying for me she told me that she didn't know why but God had given her a name for me. Sarena. She thought maybe it was related to Sarah in the Bible. I looked it up and with shaking hands read that Sarena was a Hebrew version of Sarah. Still shaking I started to pray and I felt led to read Sarah's story in Genesis. For those who don't know she was 90 years old when God gave her a child. She didn't believe it was possible at her age. My biological clock is ticking at 27. I can't imagine being 90. As I read I prayed, God speak to me through this. Please tell me why she was told that name. Then I got to Genesis 21:6-7. "Sarah said, "God has brought me laughter, and everyone who hears about this will laugh with me." 7 And she added, "Who would have said to Abraham that Sarah would nurse children? Yet I have borne him a son in his old age." " My heart leaped. I felt God saying don't listen to the statistics and others who say it won't happen. Someday I will be a mom and I will laugh like Sarah. And I will share my story and others will laugh with joy along with me. I'm just believing and trusting my day will come even if I have to wait til I am 90.

Psalm 27

Okay. So I know I just posted yesterday but then I read this awesome verse and had to share. Also I wanted to ask y'all to pray for our puppies Chandelle and Honey (Honey is my mom's). We had to rush Chandelle to the vet tonight. After a bunch of test she has a bad case of pnemonia and possibly a parasite. The vet couldn't believe she was still eating and drinking okay with how bad the infection was. Dogs have 5 lungs and one of Chandelle's was almost full of infection. Our poor girl. Both pups go back to the vet tomorrow making their 3rd vet appointments in a week. I am already very attached to our little one and have enjoyed nuturing her this week. So please pray for them.

Now back to the verse. Ry and I have been reading Psalm. Last night we were on chapter 27 and the last verse just popped out to me. Psalm 27:14 (KJV) "Wait on the LORD: be of good courage , and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait , I say, on the LORD." I feel that is what God has been speaking to me along this journey. Also many wise women in my life have told me the same thing. So often in this life we are rushing toward what we want. We want it and we want it now.  But what is more important than getting what we want is waiting on God's perfect timing. When He tells us to wait there is a reason. While we may not understand, we have to trust that His plan is better than ours. This is SOOOOO hard. Don't read this and think I have this down. Believe me I don't. I struggle with this as much as the next person if not even more. But I keep reminding myself that sometimes the journey is more important than getting to that finish line. What I gain and learn along the way makes the wait worthwhile. And if I am just focusing on where I want to be I miss out on all the good stuff in between. I know this journey, even though it is hard and heartbreaking,  is molding me into the woman God wants me to be. I cannot do this alone and I am so thankful for all the wonderful people God has brought into my life. God will give me the strength to wait. I just have to keep trudging along the path ahead and enjoy each day for what it is not for what I am hoping it will be.

Health Update: I started Tuesday. I was only 2 weeks late so that is good news. With all the chaos going on in our lives lately that is a little to be expected. Stress can definately push a cycle back. So we'll see what next month brings.

As for everything else we are getting settled in Missouri. I love spending time with our families. Ry got a job and started today! I am so proud of him. He is so good at what he does and has a passion for it. So yea Ry. I will hopefully have one soon. I'll give a job update later once I have something for sure.

Ry and I have an addition to our family. We got a puppy. Chandelle (Elle) Ball is an Australian mix. She is beautiful and sweet. We just love her. Oh and I know I'll get questions about her name. She is named after an aviation manuveur. You can google it if you want more details. Having a puppy has helped with some of the infertility pain. I still want a baby but getting to nuture our pup has really helped. I know not everyone can get a pet or even would want to but I would reccomend it to anyone struggling with infertility that can/wants to. Other than that I don't have much to say right now. Have a happy and safe 4th of July this weekend

Hormones

Warning: Before you read this please keep in mind I am very hormonal right now. So I appologize if it skips around or doesn't make sense. i just need to type right now. I am 9 days late and my body is driving me insane. One minute I feel fine the next I want to bawl my eyes out and never get out of bed. Argh. And I am tired. I just want to sleep and eat. Out of no where I get these impulses to eat certain things- I guess craving may be the correct terminology. I'm having hormonal breakout too. It is so frustrating. I don't feel like myself. Women who don't have fertility problems and have normal cycles, the best way to describe it to is like you are on a never ending PMS binge until your body finally gets zapped into reality by a horrible period. I've learned the later you are the more painful and disgusting it gets. Oh the joys of being a woman. I know I am ranting a little bit but I want to show what real life is like for the woman that goes through infertility. We are not all alike. Some do have normal cycles. Some go through it worse that I do (God bless those women I don't know how they do it). But the whole cycle thing is infurating. If they are like me they never know when they will actually start. So they have to go weeks wearing the not so cute underwear in case you start and checking the toliet to make sure. The PMSing is terrible. I have never had it bad until the last 2 years that we have been trying and my cycle went psycho. But I think the worse part is the waiting. Just waiting everyday half hoping you start and half hoping you don't. You pray to God that if you aren't pregnant the torture will end and you can start your period but if you are pregnant that you will finally show up on a test.  It is limbo land and it stinks. I pray that I am the only woman that goes through this but unfortunately statistics show that I am not alone. There are so many woman silently struggling through this when they don't have to be alone. That is one of the main reasons I write my blog. I hope that I can minister to others out there going through something similar or who knows someone who does or in the future will. Being a woman is not easy and we need to stand together. So many times I hear woman pulling each other down and it breaks my heart. It is easy to judge but you don't know what that woman is going through. We should encourage each other even if we do not necessarily like everyone. Womanhood has so many ups and downs and normally during the downs we stand silent. What if we open up and say hey ladies I am not perfect I am struggling through this. Please pray for me. What kind of world would we live in if we could all be that volunerable. Reading my blog you ladies should all know by now I am NOT perfect by any means. My name is Jenny and I have fertility problems. That doesn't define me but I need some help along the way. If you are brave enough and want to post what your "imperfection" is I would love to pray for you. Thanks for listening to me rant :)

Happy Fathers' Day

This was written yesterday:

Our power went out today. A bad storm knocked a tree down on the power plant down the street. So now I sit writing my thoughts on paper by candlelight to be typed later. I am 3 days late and am getting anxious to know. I'll take a test in the morning but it will most likely be negative. Tomorrow will be a tough day for me as have the last 11 Fathers' Days. (My dad passed away in 2001). But I think tomorrow will be worse. I miss my dad. I also feel bad that I haven't given Ry a baby and he won't get to be a proud daddy tomorrow. I know its not my fault but I can't help feeling guilt and shame. On these days that celebrate parents it makes me ache for the children I will have someday. In the adoption book I read it reccomended along with celebrating parents that churches/Christians pray for couples struggling with infertility that feel left out on this day. I urge you to do the same. Also to all the parents out there- love on your kids today and thank God for blessing you with them. Happy Fathers' Day.

come what may

It has been a crazy week. For those of you who don't know we are moving back home. We currently are almost to the west virginia border. Hours in the car still to go. I have been really nostalgic this week. Saying goodbyes and packing everything you own tends to do that. I remember when we first moved to Virginia. I bawled my eyes out the whole 14+ hour drive. I asked God why I had to leave my family. At the time I had no clue how great our time in Virginia would be. I only saw that I missed my family. But looking back I can see that it was what was best for us. God knew what He was doing. Funny how things work out. Reminds me of the Biblical truths in Jeremiah 29:11 and Romans 8:28. God has a plan for everyone. We just have to trust and follow. Remembering that helps me with the infertility. Right now I am throwing my hands up crying out why but I have to have faith that God knows what is best. That someday like our move to Virginia I will look back and praise God for knowing better than I do. It is so easy to fall into the pit of thinking you know what is best for you but Proverbs reminds us that there is a way that seems right to us but it leads to death. Not a good outcome. I want God to bless my life so I say Lord whatever you want bring it on. Your will not mine. My prayer for myself and for all of you reading is that you will let go and as Carrie Underwood sings let "Jesus take the wheel."

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who am I

Hi everybody! Life has been insanely busy lately and I haven't had much to blog about. So sorry for the lapse in updates. I am not late yet. I should start next week if I'm not pregnant. I feel pretty good so healthwise no real update.

This is going to be more off topic but something I would like to share. I was listening to a song on the radio today and it got me thinking. The song was about how God views us better than we often view ourselves. We see what we are currently not what we will be. The book I am reading about christianity and adoption said something similar. I find myself getting down on myself. It drives Ryan nuts. I get insecure worrying about what others think about me. Last week I heard something that someone had said about me and I cried. I started doubting myself and asking my friends if they thought that about me. Whether the comment was true or not isn't the issue. The issue is that I spend too much time beating myself up about what others think. Instead I should be focusing on what God says about me. The Bible is filled with references about God loving us and us being His children. That He has plans for us and that we will overcome this world. How can I doubt myself with verses like that? Will I mess up? Of course. But does that define me? No. Does the fact that the doctors say I can't get pregnant define me? No. I am a child of God and someday I will be a mother. God doesn't call me barren or infertile. He knows what will happen. So I need to stop looking at myself that way. All this to say do not believe the lies the world tells you. You are a precious child of God and whatever life throws at you will never change that. Keep hoping and dreaming. Believe and trust. You never know when or if it'll happen but if you don't try and have faith it never will. 

May Update

So I have some good news. My cycle was only 41 days this month. That may not seem like a big deal but my last cycle was over twice that length. Being 2 weeks late as opposed to 2 months late. I am thanking God and hoping this is a sign off Him fixing me. I trust that God has a plan and I am excited to see what happens next. Maybe next month I'll have even better news but either way I'm going to keep moving forward.

no more tears

So I still haven't started but I am doing okay. It has been a crazy week but amazingly I have not cried this week. That is amazing because almost every morning I cry. I cry like a baby and ask God for strength to wait on His will. I am still waiting and praying for strength so why no tears? I think that has to do with the last time I cried. At church Sunday as always I cried then God reminds me to trust Him. Service was great. If you were not there you should look it up. It was about happiness coming from God when we invest in our relationship with Him and get up and do something about it. It made me realize I have been so focused on what my body is not doing (gaining weight and getting pregnant) that I have missed what I can do and all the blessings in my life. I am such a blessed woman. If I can't have kids then it is not the end of the world. Ryan and I can adopt. Ryan is so supportive of me and has been there for me the last 22 months of heart break. We have bonded over this and are an even stronger couple. God is leading us on the journey and we just have to get up and keep following. I will probably cry on occasion still but right now I am doing much better

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Quick Update: So the gynecologist couldn't find anything wrong with me. I know that is a good thing but I am a little frustrated with not having an answer. Going to my regular doctor Thursday to see if he can figure it out. I should be starting my cycle any day now. Ry thinks I might be pregnant because a lot of my symptoms fall under that category of symptoms. Until I get a positive test I am trying not to entertain that idea.

Okay enough health stuff. Last week our pastor preached about happiness. His main point was that God wants us to be happy but happiness is not getting what you want. Happiness is not just an emotion and circumstances do not control happiness. I definitely needed that reminder this week.  While work was amazing and I was totally blessed during teacher appreciation week (my coworkers, students, and parents are wonderful) I had this worried feeling all week. Going to the gynecologist 2 times in one week is not fun for anyone but for a girl who wants a baby and doesn't know if she can have one it is torture. But then I started thinking about the sermon last week. I was letting my circumstances determine my happiness. I bawled my eyes out and vented to my husband last night. Then I woke up determined to move ahead. One of my favorite quotes is from Martha Washington. I did a paper on the first three first wives of America. I found this quote in my research and have held onto it. She wrote that,


"I am still determined to be cheerful and happy in whatever situation I may be; for I have learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not our circumstance."

Most of the time I am good at following those words. I give my pain to God and am of a cheerful disposition. Lately I feel like everything is compounding together and forming a weight I cannot overlook. I know that God is stronger than anything I am facing and that He won't give me more than I can handle.Putting that into practice is hard. I wake up every morning and ask God for strength for that day. I cry and I feel God empower me. But by the end of the day any ounce of strength I have is gone and I need reenforcement again. I think that's how it is supposed to be though. When life is too easy we think we can do it ourselves. Sometimes it is good to be reminded that we cannot do anything with out God. 


One of my favorite songs right now is Our God by Chris Tomlin. Our church's band does an amazing job performing this song during worship. If you haven't heard it youtube it. I cry every time I sing it. It is such a great reminder of how powerful our God is. 


I need some encouragement this week. What is your favorite quote or song when you are having a rough day? 

Prayer

Hi. I just wanted to ask you guys to pray for me. I am going to the gynecologist tomorrow. I'm hoping for good news, but trying to not get my hopes up. It is day 25 of my cycle and I have not been feeling well. Nausea, tired, weird discharge... I was supposed to see her after my blood test which I never got so I never saw her. So I am seeing her now. I will let you guys know if I have any news.

Plan

It has been a really crazy week. The one thing I have learned is that most of the time things don't go the way you plan. I am a planner. I like to know every detail. I am a little weird like that. Yes I can go with the flow and be flexible, but I prefer to have a plan and follow it. I make lists and schedules. It is just the way I am. So I think that is why it has been so hard to let go and say okay God in your timing in your plan. I wanted to have kids by now. I know that there is a reason we haven't been able to and that someday I'll look back and understand. But in this moment it is hard to accept. It is a constant battle for me. Everyday I have to give it to God and there are days I don't want to. There are days I want to be a toddler telling my Father no while kicking and screaming. I want my way. It is then that I am reminded that I am just a child and I do not know everything that I think I know. I just have to trust my Father knows best. Ry sent me a text this week with 5 names on it. I was confused and texted back asking what they were. He said they are our children's names. I had to bite my lip from bursting into tears. That is so the desire of my heart and now that Ry feels it too it makes it so much harder not having it. So I am hoping and praying this is the month God gives us our miracle. But I know even if he doesn't I have to trust His plan. Pray for us as we wait and trust.

PS. Happy Easter everybody

Update

Sorry everybody. The last two weeks have been extremely busy and I have not had the time to get on here and write. I did start naturally praise the Lord. It took 95 days, but I can restart the counting of days. I did not get the blood test. I was about to leave to do the blood test when Ryan called and said his grandpa was dying and we need to leave now. We went back to Saint Louis for a couple days to grieve with family. While we were there I started. We were back home maybe 24 hours before leaving for Alaska. Alaska is so beautiful! The people are really nice too. We had so much fun. We are hoping for the opportunity to go back soon.

So that is a quick update on me. Other than jet lag and a cold I am doing alright. I am hoping this is the month, but I also have to trust God's timing. He knows better than I do. We are learning to lay down our will at the feet of the cross and ask God for His will. While incredibly hard, we know its what is best for us. It will make us stronger.

Here are some pics from our trip:

                                                          On the Airplane. Exhausted

                                                              Before hiking Flat Top.

                                                      My pilot at the Aviation Museum

                                                          
                                                                Ahhh! A Moose!

trust me

I want to start this blog with a prayer request. My husband's grandpa is in the hospital. I don't have many details yet.
This week I've felt God telling me the same thing a lot. He keeps whispering in my ear "trust me." That should be easy right? He did create everything by just speaking it into being. He calmed the seas and quieted the storms. He knows me better than I know myself. So why am I struggling with this? Why do I need to keep being told each day? I wish I did not struggle with it. There is such peace laying your burdens down at Jesus' feet. This is one that I keep picking right back up again. I win for a couple days and then the hormones or heart break of the situation gets to me. Then back up it goes. Does anyone else find themselves doing the same thing? Today I want to let go. My prayer is that I can give it to God and leave it with Him. It is so hard trying to do it yourself.

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Update

So I went to my regular doctor Thursday. He diagnosed me with a UTI and most likely an ovarian cyst. He strongly recommended I see my gynecologist. So I broke down and went yesterday. When I told the receptionist who scheduled the appointment, nurse, and doctor that my last period was January 5 I got mostly the same reaction. A look or a tone of confusion. 80 days without a period and you are just coming in now. They didn't pry to find out why but I could tell they were wondering. They did an ultrasound and I most likely had a cyst that had burst. The pain was from that and the UTI. She also wants to do a blood serum pregnancy test in 2 weeks and if it is negative put me on Provera or the pill. I really do not want to do either of the 2 options. She said you should go past 3 months without a period. So I do not know what to do. Please pray that I just start on my own or that maybe I miraculously am pregnant. I am really tired of this. I know that testing of my faith makes me stronger and that I have to trust God's plan, but those things are much easier said than done. Right now I am weak. I am in pain and tired all the time. I want to stay on God's path for me.

Sanctus Real is one of my favorite bands. I've posted their lyrics before. 2 songs that have really been playing in my mind when I get upset about this crazy situation are These Things Take Time and The Way the World Turns. God has a purpose for all of this and I need to focus on Him. Below is a link to the song. I have to realize I may not understand the why but I have to keep trusting.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TFitfYRQ_RE

frustrated

So its day 74. Still waiting and wondering what is going on. This is probably TMI but I am having pain in my lower abdomen and occasionally just a drop of blood in my urine. I'm wondering if that means I am going to start. It is no fun waiting though. I'm trying to stay positive. I'm still trying to gain weight. It is just kind of frustrating right now. I want my body to behave. I'm considering going back to the doctor but I don't know if they'll have answers for me. I do not want to waste a copay to be told to take medicine I won't take (Provera). Please pray for me. I'm having a rough time with this right now.

update cycle day 70

I wanted to give you guys an update on my health. I am finally feeling like I am better. My asthma has calmed and my breathing is back to normal. I still have not started. I am on day 70 of my cycle. This may be my longest cycle yet. I am feeling alright though. I know being sick could push it back. I have been doing a lot of fertlity research for school and it talked about BMI being a big fertility factor. According to my wii and the dr scale my BMI is really low. So I am actively trying to gain 5 to 10 pounds. I have tried in the past so I am hoping to be more successful this time.

Also, I wanted to discuss music. In addition to everything else Christian music has been helpful for me. There is just something about listening to it that just lifts my spirits. I have my go to songs for when I am having a rough day or I just listen to Christian music. I feel God speak to me and my day gets better. What do you do to encourage yourself on the rough days?

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encouragement

So today is my birthday. I woke up this morning with a sense of sadness instead of excitement. It is the first birthday I've had since we got the infertility news. So instead of being happy for my special day I was focusing on my fertility clock ticking. Most research says I only have eight or so good fertility years left. I want to have 3 kids and adopt 2. According to my plan I would be working on kiddo number 2 by now. I know God's plan is bigger and better than mine, but I still had an ache in my heart today. Then my phone started buzzing with texts, emails, and facebook messages. The more I read the better I started to feel. I let go of my sadness and now I can enjoy my birthday. This reminds me of so many Bible verses about encouragement. 1 Thessalonians 5:11 and Hebrews 3:13 remind us to encourage each other. Life is not easy. We need each other. So I want to encourage you to reach out to somebody today. A little text or email could make a big difference for them today :-)

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encouragement

So today is my birthday. I woke up this morning with a sense of sadness instead of excitement. It is the first birthday I've had since we got the infertility news. So instead of being happy for my special day I was focusing on my fertility clock ticking. Most research says I only have eight or so good fertility years left. I want to have 3 kids and adopt 2. According to my plan I would be working on kiddo number 2 by now. I know God's plan is bigger and better than mine, but I still had an ache in my heart today. Then my phone started buzzing with texts, emails, and facebook messages. The more I read the better I started to feel. I let go of my sadness and now I can enjoy my birthday. This reminds me of so many Bible verses about encouragement. 1 Thessalonians 5:11 and Hebrews 3:13 remind us to encourage each other. Life is not easy. We need each other. So I want to encourage you to reach out to somebody today. A little text or email could make a big difference for them today :-)

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Brokenness

So this week has already been pretty therapeutic for me. Sunday at church was amazing. The pastor spoke about Joshua and how we want the land of milk and honey but sometimes we have to struggle to get there. The band played a song after the sermon and I just started bawling. Not little tears, my eyes were flooded with tears. I could not stop crying. It was such a release. So often I feel that I have to be strong and not show that I am hurting. It felt so good to stand broken before my God who loves me. I was reading my textbook for class by Mark McMinn. He writes that, "healing relationships with God and others were established when brokenness and need were openly acknowledged" and "the gift of pain draws us into community with God and one another." Pain is not fun but if you bring that pain and brokeness to God, He can heal you. He may not take away the pain, but He will give you the strength to stand through the struggle. So whatever your struggle is today bring it to God. He does care and is listening.

Miracles

Okay so I found some time :) So much is going on in our lives right now. No baby yet, but God is opening doors for us that we thought would not open. Doors we were told could never be opened. So there is a lot of excitement and stress in this house. I'm not going to post details on here yet until we are sure that things will be happening, but if you want to know call/ text/ e-mail me and I'll update you :)

As far as my health, I am doing much better. Thank you for your prayers. I am on day 59 of my cycle. I should be having my second period, but I'm still waiting for my first.

So two things have come up this week that I want to share. First, I wrote a huge research paper about foster care this week. It broke my heart all of those kids without homes and the negative affects it will have on their lives. Ry and I have thrown around the idea of adoption, and it is still something we are strongly considering. But like the situation above, God would have to open a lot of doors.

The other is a quote I read for school. It is from Integrative Approaches to Psychology and Christianity by David Entwistle. He summarized C.S. Lewis by saying, "Lewis argued that the ability to identify something as a miracle actually depends upon knowledge of the normal rules of nature precisely because the miraculous does not fit the normal and expected pattern. In his view, a miracle is not something that breaks the rules, but is an intervention by which something new is introduced into nature, which nature accommodates." God does miracles, but since they are not the norm people get skeptical when they want a miracle. God intervenes for us. I think miracles happen all the time, but we seek a rational excuse to explain them away. There are several miraculous pregnancies in the Bible. If it happened back then, what is to keep it from happening now? My dream is to be a mom. Right now it will pretty much take a small miracle to get me there. But I am still believing.

busy

Just a quick apology. I have so much homework to do right now that I have not had time to write anything that does not have to do with getting my Master's. In addition to that it appears Ry and I might be making a big step with our life soon, so that is time consuming as well. Hopefully this weekend I will get on and write more. I am on day 57 of this cycle and I am still waiting.... Talk to you soon :)

Thank you

I just want to thank everyone for all the encouragement I received since starting this blog and especially over the last few days. I started writing this blog because I felt God calling me to do it. When I started, I did not know if anyone would read it. I was just following what I felt like God was telling me to do. I was hoping to help others by writing this. My heart goes out to anyone else going through infertility. What I am now realizing is that I am being helped through my blog. During the tough days, I read the comments I have received, the prayers and the stories, and I am so uplifted. I read that 15 percent of all couples go through infertility. That is a lot higher than I expected. We need to band together and support each other. I can't do this alone and I imagine most of the women going through infertility are the same way. I am blessed to have a Savior who loves me and is guiding me through this journey. He has brought so many great people into my life and I am so thankful for all of you. So this post is dedicated to all the amazing people encouraging me as I am on this journey. I may have already quoted this verse on here, but it's one of my favorites so I'll write it again. Ecclesiastes 4:12, "Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him. And a threefold cord is not quickly broken."  Thank you for standing with me and keeping me from being overpowered by this. I love you guys.

Day 62- Tough day

So I'm going to be honest. It was a tough week. I was still recovering from pneumonia and got my wisdom teeth out. I am physically drained. Being so drained, it is so much easier to have problems in other areas. It is day 45 of my cycle and still no period :( We broke down and I did a pregnancy test Monday. Part of that was because I was getting my wisdom teeth out, but part is because I wanted to know. It was negative. So I'm just a mess right now. Physically I do not feel great and my hormones are out of whack making me emotional. Today I just need prayer. I'm fighting back the tears as I write this. I try to be strong and encourage others, but there are days when you just need help. Today is one of those for me. Sorry I just want to be open and honest on here.

Thank you to everyone who has been praying for me. Infertility is not easy.

Day 56

Wow I can't believe I've been writing for almost two months. Time has flown by. I'll start by giving a health update. I am almost over the pneumonia. I was back at work this week which I was super happy about. Tuesday next week (Feb. 15th) I am getting my wisdom teeth out. That is long overdue and I am hoping it will help me feel a lot better once I have healed from the surgery. Also, at the end of this month we might have an idea of what Ryan's flying future may look like. I can't give too many details yet, but please be praying for him.

All that to say February has already been a crazy month. I am late again. I haven't done a pregnancy test yet. We are kind of just waiting it out right now. I am on day 39 on my cycle. I am getting a little anxious, but we have spent so much money on pregnancy tests over the last year and a half that I do not want to waste any more money.

I read a devotional from my Bible this week that I wanted to share with you guys. It is from the Hugs Bible for Women.

"God promises that all things are possible with Him, and He promises to work good things in the lives of those who trust Him. Count yourself among that number today and every day of your life. When you put your faith in God, you avail yourself of His power and His peace. And when you take God at His word- when you believe that absolutely nothing is impossible for Him- you'll be amazed at the things He can do. Today, as you fulfill the responsibilities of everyday life, expect God to do big things for you and yours. Trust that the Creator of the universe is capable of moving any mountain, including the ones looming ahead of you. And don't ever be afraid to ask for a miracle... because God is a miracle working God."

I sometimes find myself selling God short. I say, "well God that is too much for me to ask for, so if you could just do this then it will be okay." Why am I scared to ask for the miracle I really want? I ask for my cycle to be regulated when I am really hoping that He will miraculously fix my hormones and give me a baby. No more. I am going to ask and believe that He will give me the miracle child I want so badly.

Day 49- Strength

So it has been a rough week. Last weekend I started feeling sick. My fever got up to 102.5. So I went to the doctor and after doing a bunch of tests he diagnosed my with pneumonia. Yuck. I got probably the worst shot I have ever gotten. Ryan said he could barely watch them give it to me. Plus I've been on medicine to try to clear the gunk out of my lungs. It has not been a fun week. I didn't get to go to work and I miss the kiddos and my coworkers. Also, I was supposed to start on Wednesday. I'm on day 34 of my cycle, so hopefully I will start soon.

Now that you are updated on my physical condition, I wanted to share about strength. It amazes me how many people tell me how strong I am after I share with them some of what I am going through. My husband has even mentioned it in the last week or two. I've been home alone a lot this week and in between watching daytime tv and taking naps I thought about whether I am strong or not. One of my friends about a year ago after praying over me told me that I am a lion, but that I don't see myself that way. She told me to stop holding back. That was a shock to me. But now as I am writing this and contemplating my strength maybe there is some of that lion in me. Whether I am strong or not though is not really the point. The point is where my strength comes from and that is not me. My strength comes from the Lord. David says that over and over in the Psalms. Samson who is considered one of the strongest men in history learned the tough way that his strength came from God. I don't think anyone can be strong outside the power that God gives them to do so. Strength comes from relying on God.

One of my favorite songs is In Christ Alone. We sing it at church and the band rocks. I cannot sing that song without crying and feeling the presence of Christ. Owl City does a great version of it along with several other artist. If you have not heard it I recommend you youtube it. Below are the lyrics. As you read them remind yourself that you are strong, because God gives you that strength. God is with you wherever you are at whether you are dealing with infertility like me or some other trial of life. May God grant you the power to believe and trust In Christ Alone.

"In Christ Alone"
In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm

What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand

In Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless Babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save

Til on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live, I live

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again

And as He stands in victory
Sins curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From a lifes first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny

No power of hell, no scheme of man
Could ever pluck me from His hand
Til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I stand"

Day 42 Prayer

So I'm still not feeling well, but I wanted to share something that has been on my mind this week. My church is adding a second site, which Ry and I are super excited about, so last weeks sermon was about prayer. Prayer is so powerful. Our pastor equated prayer to either changing God's mind or Him changing our heart. Isn't that so true. So many times we go to God asking Him for something, but come away with a change of heart. I've experienced that at several points in my life. One of them was when my father passed away. We had been praying for his healing from cancer (we wanted to change God's mind) but he lost his battle to cancer April 21, 2001. It took some time to see, but my father did get his healing. It was not how we wanted it though. He is in Heaven with God now where there is no pain. January 27 is his birthday, so this week I have been thinking a lot about him.

Another time I experienced this has been through this infertility journey. I wanted a baby my way and on my time table. God has changed my heart to be able to trust His timing and pray for His will concerning us becoming parents. I just want to glorify God through this and become the woman he is changing me into.

I love this quote by John Wesley, "I have so much to do that I must spend several hours in prayer before I am able to do it." I love that because aren't we all sometimes guilty of thinking of it the opposite way. I have so much to do today so I don't have time to pray or I'll just say a quick prayer. I admit that I do that too. Prayer is so powerful though we should make adequate time for it instead of rushing through it. What blessings are we missing on our busy days that we skip out on prayer?

Day 39

Hi everybody. Let me start this post with a disclaimer. I am not feeling well today. I woke up with my first cold of the year that in combination with needing to get my wisdom teeth out has made me feel terrible. So if this post is incoherent, I apologize.

I babysat for one of my best friends on Monday. She has an infant and it was the first time in years that I had babysat a child that young. The infant was well behaved, but I had forgotten how much work taking care of an infant is. She wanted my attention the whole time I was there. Something as simple as eating dinner became a complicated task. So to all the moms out there, you are awesome. Even though is was more work than I thought I came away from that experience with two thoughts. The first is that I am thankful God didn't give us a child when we first started trying because having a baby and finishing up classes would have been harder than I anticipated. Once again, to all the moms out there who are finishing up degrees, you ladies are amazing. My second thought though was one of sadness. Even though I know it is not easy, I still really want to be a mom.

Day 34- Believe

First let me apologize that it has been so long since I have posted anything. Work, school, and helping Ryan get his packet ready for the ANG boards has kept me pretty busy.

I have been reading in Matthew the past couple of weeks. Matthew has so many miracles in it and before almost all the miracles it talks about Jesus having compassion on the person he does the miracle for. I love that because it is an awesome reminder of how much God loves us.

Another big theme in Matthew is faith. Matthew 7:7 says, "Ask and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened for you." Knock and it will be opened has really been happening in our lives lately. It just seems like God keeps opening up doors for Ryan concerning the Air Guard boards coming up soon. I won't go into details, but it is pretty awesome. (Please continue to pray for God's will with Ry trying to find a pilot job/ join the Air National guard). Another verse in Matthew is 19:26 when Jesus says, "With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." A third verse is Matthew 21:21-22 where Jesus says, "If you have faith and do not doubt, you will not only do what was done to the fig tree, but also if you say unto this mountain, 'be removed and be cast into the sea," it will be done. And whatever things you ask in prayer believing you shall receive."

Those verses and many more speak to the power of our belief. Do we really believe that God can do what we are asking? I miss my child like faith sometimes. I love talking with the kids at work. They believe that anything is possible. Superheros and fairies are real. They have not been corrupted by this world that tells you to be realistic. I'm not saying that being realistic is a bad thing, just that it has a time and place. When it comes to our belief in God and His power, we can and probably should be "unrealistic." He tells us over and over just believe. But it can be hard. I am not saying this is easy. I struggle with it too. I just want my prayer today to be like the father of the sick boy that says, "Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!" (Mark 9:24)

One of my close friends is a huge Andrew Peterson fan. His newest sing is called "Dancing in the Minefields." I love this song. Its a story of a couple and their faith in God. That God is with them so they can dance in the minefields. In real life would any of us really dance in a minefield? People would call us crazy, but I say let them. God calls us to do things all the time that people might call crazy, but since we have God on our side the crazy thing is not to listen to Him. Please understand that I am speaking metaphorically and don't go find a minefield (well unless you really feel like God is calling you to do that :)

I will leave you with a quote from John Calvin. "Our own unbelief is the only impediment which prevents God from satisfying us largely and bountifully with all good things."

BELIEVE!

Day 27- Determination

Last week when Ry and I were leaving church, we both looked at each other and had the same thought. Each week we always seem to hear just what we needed to hear that week. We love our church. Not only was the adult service awesome, but God even used what I was teaching to the elementary kids to teach me. I definitely got a double dose last week. I wanted to write about this earlier, but its been a crazy week. We decided to go full force after trying to get Ry a pilot slot with the Air National Guard. Things fell through with MARC, so we see it as God closing that door so we'd know what to go after. I know this all may seem off topic, but it fits I promise.

Last week in church we started a new virtue with the kids: Determination. "Determination- deciding its worth it to finish what you started." As I prepared to do my small group lesson I really thought about how determined I was to follow through with the no meds to get pregnant decision. I've had a lot of support and I am still just starting this journey. In a year, will I have stuck to it? I am determined for that answer to be a yes. God put me on this path for a purpose and I am going after it. Yes, I want a baby and modern medicine may have a short cut for me to get there, but what would I be cheating myself of? Through this journey God is growing me into the woman He wants me to be. Reading the lesson for this week, the bottom line is, "keep doing what you should do so you don't miss out on something really good." That is so true! Ry and I are determined to follow the path God has for us. He may have closed a door on Ry with missions aviation, but maybe that was so He could open a door to military aviation. If we focus too much on when God tells us "no", we will miss out on what He tells us "yes" to.

 Jeremiah 29:11 is a verse of scripture quoted a lot. What many miss is the passage before it. Jeremiah is writing about how they are going to be exiled. How they aren't going to get what they want right now. But then in verse 11, he brings them hope. A reason to be determined to follow God's plan, even though it doesn't make sense. "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." All this to say, if you know what God is calling you do to do, be determined to do it. Chase after it with all of your heart. If you don't know, keep following Him and be determined to trust his plan.

Day 20- Hope

My last post I was in a hurry, but I wanted to share the good news. So I didn't write much. This post will be more details. Yes, I started my period Wednesday without the help of medicine. Which the nurse who gave me my progesterone results before I started this blog said was highly unlikely. So I want to give all the praise to God. This period has probably been the worst one I've ever had even though it only lasted three days. I would compare the pain to when I had my last kidney stone. I gushed blood and there were lots of clots. Sorry if that's too graphic, but I just wanted to share that this was intense.

The story about this goes back about a week and a half ago. I know right now that sounds weird, but I will explain. We were in St. Louis visiting our families, which was awesome. Ry got a cold weather sleeping bag and wanted to try it out. So he was sleeping outside and I was by myself. I was a little scared and I just felt like I needed to pray. So I just started praying about everything. Once I stopped, I listened to the silence and felt God say that He heard my prayers and that he was answering them. I felt an incredible peace and fell asleep. When I woke up, I still felt great. I thought about what I had heard, but I applied it to everything but my infertility situation. We have had a lot of prayers lately. We are trying to figure out what Ryan should do now that he has graduated and my mom's dog had a tumor that was removed and tested for cancer and the list goes on. I was at a point with my infertility that I wouldn't say that I had lost all hope, but my expectations were low. I had gotten used to the way my body was acting. In 18 months I had gone from thinking each month "this is the month I'm finally going to get pregnant" to "okay we are on day such and such, how late is my period going to be this month." It had become easier to not hope. Hoping hurt because every month I was let down. So that is why when I heard my prayers were answered, I assumed it was for something else. I had faith that God was doing something for us, but I was scared to hope for myself. Praise God, He did it for me anyway. I know I am not pregnant, but having a normal period is a first step toward that. I, also, learned a big lesson. Even if hoping hurts, we still have to do it. If our hope is in God, even if we do not get what we are hoping for, our hope will make us stronger. We have to trust God's timing instead of our own. So my challenge for you today is to put your hope in the God who created the universe out of nothing. Don't put your hope in the doctors or your friends or any person. People fail us, but God never will.

Day 16

So its day 16 of the no meds and I have good news. I finally started and it started naturally! I haven't had one that wasn't medically induced since last March. So its a big deal. I'm hurting pretty bad, but its okay. I am happy for a fresh start. Maybe this month will be different. Its the first cycle I'm doing completely medicine free. (Last cycle, I took clomid.) So we'll see what happens. But praise God the last cycle is over and it only lasted 53 days. Also, that it ended naturally. I'll keep you updated :)