Thursday, December 12, 2013

The Ache That Won't Let Go

Christmas is just around the corner. People are making lists of what they'd like for Christmas and out shopping. If you asked me what I want- I'd either give you the real, deep desire or the basic. For most people I'd just say clothes, shoes, books... but for those that know me well they already know what I want. What I have wanted for 6 Christmases now. I yearn to be a mom this Christmas. I don't just want to be a mom. It is not a "oh it would be so cool if we conceived or adopted." It is an ache that as hard as I try to get away from it- I can't deny. It is especially hard this year because I have been a mom now. I miss my foster kiddos and I miss being their mom. Most days I can push the thought aside- but it is still there. Then there are the days that it overwhelms me and I try to be strong. Those days I hide from people and cry. It is painful and messy.

With it being Christmas time it makes me think of the birth of my Savior. The world had be waiting for his for so long and finally He was here. Emmanuel with us. So beautiful and amazing. But what is sad to me is that so many people missed it. They ached for their Messiah but they missed Him when He came. Why? How does something like that happen? I think it happened because their vision and God's vision weren't the same. They thought the Messiah would free them from Rome. When Jesus didn't do that they turned from Him. They missed that Jesus did something greater than what they were hoping. He didn't conquer Rome- He conquered sin and death.

So how does this relate? Too often I let my aches and my vision blind me from God's vision. It does not look like I planned so I want to reject it. I'm like the Pharisees, so stuck on my way. My way would be nice. I would be a mom with 5 kiddos and a nice house somewhere in America. But God has something better. My way I would miss out on foster parenting. It was so hard- but rewarding. I probably wouldn't have gone to Alaska or be in Africa now. I wouldn't have gotten to teach some amazing kids or help out with a great group of teens. I ache to be a mom but I don't want to let that cause me to miss out on God's plan. His way is the best way. So as hard as it is, I wait. I don't know if you can relate or not. I just wanted to be real and call myself out on something I am struggling with.  This next month will be rough as we are in a waiting spot. I'm not teaching and that makes the waiting harder.  Please pray for me to not let my yearning to be a mom blind me from the call God has put on my life.

What I Would Have Missed:
                                      "Good Morning Mommy" Hugs From This Little Girl

                     Playing and skiing in the snow and being called "the cool Mom" at his school

                               A class of great kids and friendships with wonderful teachers

Volunteering in Africa and hearing "Good morning Teacher"   "You are beautiful Teacher"    "I love you Teacher" everyday.

                                                   Camping with rhinos and giraffes

Yes, I still ache to be a mom. But I have had a pretty awesome life so far. We'll see what adventures God still has in store.