Thursday, December 30, 2010

Day 10- Lead Me

Its day 10 of blogging and day 47 of my cycle. The pain has gotten a little worse. I think my body is confused. But I am doing alright.

This post isn't going to be about the pain though. It is going to be about support. Having support when you are going through anything in life is crucial. Infertility is no different. I have a great support system and I am so thankful. One of the main people supporting me is my husband Ryan. Yesterday we celebrated our four year wedding anniversary. He is great. I know he doesn't fully understand what is going on with my body and my emotions, but he tries. He listens when I am upset and holds me when I cry. Most of my doctor appointments he has gone with me and held my hand. I am blessed to have him.

One of our favorite songs right now is Lead Me by Sanctus Real. The songs is about a wife asking her husband to lead her and about the man asking God to lead him. It is a beautiful song and so true. I look to God and to Ryan to lead me. Below are the lyrics. Today I hope everyone reading this has support and if they don't that they find someone to help them. Solomon writes in Ecclesiastes 4:12 "Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken." May God lead us as we try to lead and support others.

Lead Me
By Sanctus Real
"I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying...

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”

I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They're just children from the outside
I'm working hard, I tell myself they'll be fine
They're independent
But on the inside, I can hear them saying...

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
[- From : -]
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”

So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I'm called to be
Oh, Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won't You lead me?

To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't want to leave them hungry for love,
Chasing things that I could give up

I'll show them I'm willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone"

Monday, December 27, 2010

Day 8

So I'm a week past when I was supposed to take the Provera and two weeks past when I was supposed to start. It is day 44 of my cycle and I am still waiting to start. How do I feel? For the most part I feel pretty normal. I don't feel nearly as hormonal as I did taking the Provera. I am having some pain below my hips, but I am not too worried about it.

Emotionally I am doing alright today. There are some other issues going on, but as far as the baby blues I'm not too bad today.

I want to share a poem with you that was sent to me by a friend. I really enjoyed it and it helped me. It is a beautiful poem about God telling us to wait. The poem is by Russell Keifer. I hope that for any of you being told by God to wait, you can be encouraged through this poem.  I love the stanzas that are God's reply of why it is important to wait. Waiting is not easy, but it does make you stronger in so many ways.

by *Russell Kelfer
Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know Me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Day 3

So I'm on cycle day 38 and day 3 of not taking medicine. So far it hasn't been too difficult not being medicated. In fact, I think I feel better than I do when I'm taking the Provera. My struggle today has been more of self pity. The why me question. Why don't I get to be pregnant when it seems like everyone else around me is? It's easy to blame yourself. I wonder if maybe I'm not going to be a good mom, so God is preventing me from having a child for that reason. I want to justify my struggle by finding the reason in it. But the truth is it isn't about me. It's about God. Somehow He is going to use this situation for His glory. I just have to be content in knowing that. I've been reading the minor prophets in the Bible. They question God a lot. For the most part, God answers them in the same way. Telling them of His power and that they just have to trust His plan. Today my prayer is to be like Habakkuk. After writing of all the things that could go wrong he wrote in Habakkuk 3:18-19, "Yet I will exult in the Lord, I will rejoice in the God of my salvation. The Lord God is my strength, and He has made my feet like hinds' feet, and makes me walk on high places."

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Intro Day 1 on cycle day 36

Not getting the desire of your heart is tough. What is tougher is when that desire is something that is a major part of your identity. I want to be a mom. Plain and simple that is the desire of my heart and has been so for a long time. The problem is my body and my heart aren't cooperating. Medically, my doctors say my hormones aren't where they should be to allow me to conceive a child. I have been taking medicines to help, but they have not made a difference. So I am barren or infertile? To those who have been through it, you understand how difficult it is to have that label. It is heartbreaking and what makes it worse is the stigma we feel. For a long time I kept my struggle to myself because I was embarrassed. Opening up about it, however has been so freeing. That is part of why I am writing this blog. I want to stand up and tell other women out there if you are going through infertility you are not alone.

The other reason I am writing is because I have decided to fully trust God. For too long I have put my faith in medicine to fix me, but I won't do that anymore. I felt God say to trust Him and stop taking the medicine. I am letting go of control of my situation and it is scary. But it, also, feels great. I know my God can heal me. If I have a child it will be because God gave me that child, not because of modern day medicine.

I am on day 36 of my cycle and normally I would be taking Provera right now to make me start. I am not taking it. So it is also the first day of my journey of letting go.

Some of you might be wondering about why I chose Modern Day Hannah as my Blog name. For those that don't know the story of Hannah in the Bible, she was a woman like me. She wanted a child more than anything. So she went to church to beg God for a child. She was praying with such intensity that the preacher of the church thought she was drunk and tried to kick her out. She explained to him what was going on and he told her that her prayer was answered. Hannah is a Biblical role model for me. She bared her heart to God and He heard her. I want to be like Hannah and give my everything to God. Whether He answers my prayer or not, I'm still going to trust Him. Please pray for me as I continue on this journey. It is not going to be easy, but with God all things are possible.