Not getting the desire of your heart is tough. What is tougher is when that desire is something that is a major part of your identity. I want to be a mom. Plain and simple that is the desire of my heart and has been so for a long time. The problem is my body and my heart aren't cooperating. Medically, my doctors say my hormones aren't where they should be to allow me to conceive a child. I have been taking medicines to help, but they have not made a difference. So I am barren or infertile? To those who have been through it, you understand how difficult it is to have that label. It is heartbreaking and what makes it worse is the stigma we feel. For a long time I kept my struggle to myself because I was embarrassed. Opening up about it, however has been so freeing. That is part of why I am writing this blog. I want to stand up and tell other women out there if you are going through infertility you are not alone.
The other reason I am writing is because I have decided to fully trust God. For too long I have put my faith in medicine to fix me, but I won't do that anymore. I felt God say to trust Him and stop taking the medicine. I am letting go of control of my situation and it is scary. But it, also, feels great. I know my God can heal me. If I have a child it will be because God gave me that child, not because of modern day medicine.
I am on day 36 of my cycle and normally I would be taking Provera right now to make me start. I am not taking it. So it is also the first day of my journey of letting go.
Some of you might be wondering about why I chose Modern Day Hannah as my Blog name. For those that don't know the story of Hannah in the Bible, she was a woman like me. She wanted a child more than anything. So she went to church to beg God for a child. She was praying with such intensity that the preacher of the church thought she was drunk and tried to kick her out. She explained to him what was going on and he told her that her prayer was answered. Hannah is a Biblical role model for me. She bared her heart to God and He heard her. I want to be like Hannah and give my everything to God. Whether He answers my prayer or not, I'm still going to trust Him. Please pray for me as I continue on this journey. It is not going to be easy, but with God all things are possible.