The Ache That Won't Let Go

Christmas is just around the corner. People are making lists of what they'd like for Christmas and out shopping. If you asked me what I want- I'd either give you the real, deep desire or the basic. For most people I'd just say clothes, shoes, books... but for those that know me well they already know what I want. What I have wanted for 6 Christmases now. I yearn to be a mom this Christmas. I don't just want to be a mom. It is not a "oh it would be so cool if we conceived or adopted." It is an ache that as hard as I try to get away from it- I can't deny. It is especially hard this year because I have been a mom now. I miss my foster kiddos and I miss being their mom. Most days I can push the thought aside- but it is still there. Then there are the days that it overwhelms me and I try to be strong. Those days I hide from people and cry. It is painful and messy.

With it being Christmas time it makes me think of the birth of my Savior. The world had be waiting for his for so long and finally He was here. Emmanuel with us. So beautiful and amazing. But what is sad to me is that so many people missed it. They ached for their Messiah but they missed Him when He came. Why? How does something like that happen? I think it happened because their vision and God's vision weren't the same. They thought the Messiah would free them from Rome. When Jesus didn't do that they turned from Him. They missed that Jesus did something greater than what they were hoping. He didn't conquer Rome- He conquered sin and death.

So how does this relate? Too often I let my aches and my vision blind me from God's vision. It does not look like I planned so I want to reject it. I'm like the Pharisees, so stuck on my way. My way would be nice. I would be a mom with 5 kiddos and a nice house somewhere in America. But God has something better. My way I would miss out on foster parenting. It was so hard- but rewarding. I probably wouldn't have gone to Alaska or be in Africa now. I wouldn't have gotten to teach some amazing kids or help out with a great group of teens. I ache to be a mom but I don't want to let that cause me to miss out on God's plan. His way is the best way. So as hard as it is, I wait. I don't know if you can relate or not. I just wanted to be real and call myself out on something I am struggling with.  This next month will be rough as we are in a waiting spot. I'm not teaching and that makes the waiting harder.  Please pray for me to not let my yearning to be a mom blind me from the call God has put on my life.



What I Would Have Missed:

                                      "Good Morning Mommy" Hugs From This Little Girl

                     Playing and skiing in the snow and being called "the cool Mom" at his school

                               A class of great kids and friendships with wonderful teachers

Volunteering in Africa and hearing "Good morning Teacher"   "You are beautiful Teacher"    "I love you Teacher" everyday.

                                                   Camping with rhinos and giraffes


Yes, I still ache to be a mom. But I have had a pretty awesome life so far. We'll see what adventures God still has in store.

I'm Second

Many of you may have heard of the site I Am Second. Great site I highly recommend checking it out. http://www.iamsecond.com/ . Over the past few months God has really been working on my heart in regards to that. In this life it is so easy to get caught up in yourself. Your wants. Your desires. Our flesh cries out for it. Putting God and others first doesn't come as natural. But it is what we are called to do. My husband and I have been reading the Gospels and Christ makes it pretty clear. In Matthew 10:26-28 he says,

"... but whoever desires to be great among you, let him be a servant. And whoever desires to be first among you, let him be your slave- Just as the Son of man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many."

As Christians we are supposed to be like Christ. Christ served- so we must serve. You can't read through the gospels without seeing over and over "and Jesus had compassion on them and met their need."  How many times are we so focused on our wants/needs that we miss out on meeting someone else's need? How many times are we moved with compassion and still do nothing? I've been reading "To Live Is Christ to Die is Gain" by Matt Chandler. There is an entire chapter on humility. He reminds the reader that, "A life of humility is based on the cross of Jesus Christ, which tells us that Jesus could have done NONE of it but decided to endure ALL of it." Let that soak in. Maybe read it again. Christ had a choice and He chose to serve us. If anyone who has walked this Earth has had a right to be served by others it would be Jesus. Yet he didn't sit back and have the disciples pamper him. It was the opposite. He served them (He washed their sandy, messy feet) and He served others. How can we not look at that and try to serve others?

I was taught once to use the JOY method to pray when I was young. praise Jesus first. pray for Others second. pray for Yourself last. But I think this goes beyond prayer. To have joy in this life we must put Jesus and others before ourselves. It is not easy. Take infertility for example. When I am weeks late and miserable my initial reaction isn't to praise God for it and be thankful for the opportunities I've had to serve others through it. No. I want to rant and rail "Why ME God?" But when I get in the I am Second mindset- it is not so bad. Yes, physically I am still a wreck but God strengthens me to fight through it. So some may be asking how on Earth can I flip it around and see my infertility as a positive? When I think about my foster kiddos, the students in my classrooms, and the orphans I hope to help here- not having my own biological children doesn't feel so bad. When I think of everywhere God has brought me and all the experiences I've had- I can trust Him that He knows best. Serving others and serving Christ gives me joy to fight through the struggles of infertility. When I focus on me- that's when the depression of infertility hits.

I am by no means saying this is easy. Far from it! We cannot do it on our own. It is only Christ in us that allows us to do so. But it is the only way to truly live. So this Thanksgiving I am issuing a challenge to you and also to myself. Let's try living Second. Put God first in all things. Serve others before yourself. This is how we share our faith and change the World. So who is with me?

Lessons from Life and Dog Bites

We had one of those nights last night that you never forget. We've had many "Wow" moments along this crazy journey. I was planning to write about last week when after our field trip we had a little African butterfly (they had their faces painted at the park) snuggled up and fell asleep on my lap. In that moment I felt my heart change from wanting to adopt here to having an ache in my heart to do so. I know I am here to try to help these precious children that God puts in my path. I may write more about that later because now I have something else I need to write.

Last night I got bit by a dog. Now you may be asking "How is that life changing or a Wow moment? Shouldn't it just be an Ow! Moment?" We believe we saw a miracle last night and the more I look back at it the more I see as one. So as I sit here in pain I will try to shed some light on it. Last night we decided to go look at some German Shepherd puppies. Now due to some crazy circumstances (we finally got a rain/ dust thunderstorm, it was dark and windy outside, the pups were moved from their parents because of said storm, and other things I don't fully understand) when I walked by the daddy dog, he bit me. It hurt. I got to the other side of the fence before falling to the ground in pain. Ryan came over and calmly started taking care of me. I couldn't see but he said the blood was gushing and he thought it must have hit an artery. My shoe was immediately full of blood. The lady whose dogs we went to see got her first aid kit and started cleaning it. Ry applied pressure and tried getting ahold of someone to call an ambulance, because we are in another country and 911 doesn't work here. We stopped and both laid hands on my leg and started praying over it. Things did not look good at the time. I was getting dizzy and nauseated. I wanted to lay down and go to sleep. But I knew we needed to pray. Ry said I prayed in tongues but all I remember was saying "Jesus." Within a minute the blood started to stop. We bandaged my leg and went to the hospital. After limping around trying to figure out where to go I went in to see the doctor. He took the bandage off and there was little to no blood. He asked, "Why did you bandage it? Bite wounds need air unless they are bleeding badly." In that moment we didn't know what to say. The dog owner, Sandra, and I just looked at each other completely shocked. The doctor gave me a few shots (including rabies shots IN THE WOUND) and stitches. It was quite painful but during the whole experience I had a sense of calm. In the beginning I thought I might bleed out but after we prayed I just knew I was going to be okay. Ry kept his head about him as well. In this situation it would be easy to get angry or start the blame game- but that didn't happen. We constantly reassured Sandra that it was okay. She asked me at one point where I was from and I didn't think much about it until Ryan said I spoke in tongues. I hope that our attitude, praying, and the healing was a witness to her about God. We are going to reconnect in a few days.

Now I am still in pain and I have to get another Rabies shot in a few days, it would be easy to be upset about all of this. I got bit by a dog. I will be limping around for a few days and will probably have scars from it. But instead of getting upset- I am thankful. Thankful I didn't die and that God healed my wounds. Thankful for the peace and chance to show our faith to a complete stranger. Thankful to see that God is in control in all situations. I am in a foreign land and it can be scary sometimes. Going to a hospital in a country where HIV is common with an open leg wound is scary. Preaching in front of a crowd like I have been asked to do Saturday- is scary. But I can look back on this night and know that God is with me no matter where I go. That is comforting and for that I am so grateful. My lesson from last night: wherever you are whatever your circumstance, God is there with you too. We don't need to be afraid. Our God has got it covered!

Blessed

This has been a crazy busy week. My heart and my eyes have been opened so much in these few short days. I have been avoiding writing in part because of the busyness- but also because I struggle with the words to explain. But I feel the need to try.

Most of you probably know that my husband and I are in Africa now. We've been here a little over 2 weeks. This week I started helping out at a preschool/ daycare. In my selfishness I dreaded getting out of bed that first morning. (I am not a morning person. need coffee to survive the AM) When I got to the school, however, it was so worth it. These beautiful children surrounded me with hugs and saying "good morning teacher" "you are beautiful teacher" "I love you teacher." Then I got to worship God, teach, and play outside with them. They stole my heart. Not saying it was easy. I went home worn out. Child to teacher ratios aren't the same here as in the States. But that is another story.

3 days ago I had a conversation with one of the children that started a change in my heart. The children's assignment was to draw their house and their fattest cow (cattle is a sign of wealth here. instead of asking how much $ you make you wonder how many cows they have). Thula was very artistic and drew a wonderful drawing of a house- but then he stopped. I told him well done on his house and that I couldn't wait to see the cow. He got a sad look on his face and told me he couldn't draw a cow because his father did not have one.

The next day I had a conversation with the head teacher and she told me most of the children get so excited and fight over the toys is because the only time many of the children see toys is when they are at school. She asked me if children in America had many toys. My heart was broken. I remembered my childhood when I had so many toys that many sat on the shelf for days before I rotated them into the play schedule. I spent many hours marrying my Barbies to my Ninja Turtles and having them live in my toy castle. I thought of how my childhood would've been different if I had no toys. I came home sad and wanting to do something about it. I am resolved to do some awesome art projects with the kids and try to make them some toys they can take home.

I have been seeing all of these thankful post on Facebook this month and I think it is great. We should be thankful. There is a meme going around that says something along the lines of "November the month every one posts what they are thankful for before going back to complaining on Facebook the other 11 months." We have so much in the States. There are the basic necessities that we don't even think about that other countries don't have. Food, water, shelter, electricity... Can you imagine not being able to provide that for your family? We went on a field trip yesterday and half the children could not go because their family could not afford it. It was like the Botswana version of Disneyland and cost less than $20 USD. Some families here make less than that in a week and Botswana is one of the richer countries in Africa. I felt poor back in the States because we could barely manage financially. Compared to other places in the world- we were millionaires. I complained and was miserable about our financial situation but here they have so much less and are happy.

I am not writing this to make anyone feel bad. I just want us to see how blessed we are in the U.S. and encourage you to do what you can to help the less fortunate. I don't believe God blessed us with $ to keep it all to ourselves. It is easy to focus on ourselves and what we don't have. I do it too. But this life is not supposed to just be about what we can get out of it. In Matthew 25:40 (the sorting of the goats and sheep parable) Jesus says, "Inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these My brethren, you did it to me." Let's take our faith and start doing something with it. Feed the hungry. Adopt an orphan or give to a family trying to adopt. Give blankets and shelter to the homeless. Spend time with a widow or child in need. Babysit for a family that desperately needs a break. Fill a shoebox for Operation Christmas Child. The list goes on. We can stand by and complain about these things or we can get up and do something.

Sorry I felt that needed said. I will get off my soap box now.

Quick Update

Dumela! (Greetings) We have made it to Botswana. This post will be fairly brief. I just wanted to give a quick update. I basically have 2 things to share.

A. We are in Africa. So far we are enjoying it and working on adjusting. Jet Lag has been rough. We had not fully gotten on a schedule when we moved from Alaska so we were still pretty much on Alaska time when we moved here. There is a 10 hour difference. So our bodies are having to adjust. In addition we are working on learning the language and the culture. They do speak English but we are learning some words are different from English in the States. For example Ryan asked for a napkin at a restaurant and the waitress gave him a look. Over here they are serviettes and napkin is the word for diaper. We are also are learning to convert dollars into pula (8:1) and Fahrenheit to Celsius.

B. If you saw my "We're Having a Book" post you know we were hoping I was pregnant. Unfortunately that is not the case. I have started using some natural remedies and we will see if that changes things. I'm hoping for improved health and anything else is just a bonus. Like all things I am learning it has to be in God's timing. He knows what is best and I just have to trust. I have to let go and believe. Obsessing over it makes me miserable and does not change a thing.

So like I said I am going to make this brief and leave it at that. Hopefully later I will be able to write more. Please pray for us as we adjust to our new life and culture. Thanks :)

The Story Behind: "We're Having a Book"

So I know I have been writing a lot about Africa lately. This post is going to get back to being more about infertility. Just a heads up.

As many of you know Ry and I have been trying for over five years to conceive. It has been quite the roller coaster. Infertility is so hard. It attacks you in every aspect: physically, emotionally, mentally, and even spiritually. Your body becomes not your own. While you are in physical pain and can be subjected to many doctors appointments and medicines. Those medicines can make you feel even worse. Ask Ry- I was not me while taking Clomid. It works for some people but not me. Then there is the constant monthly (if your cycle is even normal) reminder that you aren't pregnant. That can leave you in tears for days. You can beat yourself up about it and second guess everything you did that month. Maybe I drank too much coffee. Should I have ate more broccoli? And sometimes you wrestle with God. I cannot tell you how many times I have asked Why me Lord? So any way you look at it- infertility sucks. Sorry no other word to describe it. It is messy and can reek havoc on your marriage. When your hormones are making you psycho and you cry at the drop of a hat or get hurt/angry over nothing. Not the stuff Disney makes movies about. Just saying. (Luckily I got a good guy who stands by me and understands when I have my crazy moments.)

So long intro to get to the story of yesterday. With infertility being so hard sometimes even in the hard stuff you have to step back and laugh. I am late. That may explain my ranting. But anyway, yesterday I broke down and took a pregnancy test. Now I have taken at least 50 of these tests. I have taken so many we should have bought stock in them. Seriously. So after taking it I get:

                         

What? I start getting upset. I KNOW how to take a pregnancy test. Why is there an error/ look at instructions message. Then the thought is whispered in my ear. Let's have fun with this. Instead of crying or stomping my feet in anger, I needed to laugh. So I saunter downstairs test in hand and wave for Ry to come over. I take his hand and lead him upstairs. Then in my most serious voice I said "Babe. If I am reading this test right (long pause) we are having a BOOK." The look on his face was priceless. After it all set in we both started cracking up and even posted it on Facebook.

So why am I sharing this? Life is HARD. Everyone faces trials of some sort. Jesus told us their would be trials. So we can focus on the hard stuff and be miserable. Or we can let it go and enjoy our life.

Jesus doesn't just leave us with a warning saying we'll have trials. The verse continues on to say:

John 16:33, " I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

Take heart guys. Jesus has overcome it all. Don't let your trial bring you down. Let it make you stronger. 

PS. Now I am not saying this because I have it all down pat. I struggle with this too. 

Leap

In 17 days God-willing we will be in the air on our way to Botswana! (Well South Africa first- then Botswana) It is crazy to think we are almost there. We've done so much prepping for it and have so much still to do. It just almost doesn't seem real. I am scared of the unknown and leaving dear family and friends. But I am excited too. I know this is the path God is leading us down. A couple days ago I saw on Mandisa's facebook page,

"We often think our calling comes when we follow bliss, when actually it comes when we face our greatest fear. Your calling is where your talents and your burdens collide." from the Catalyst Conference
Africa will be combining my talents and my burdens. I have been told that I am good with kids and teaching. Also, that my spiritual gift is mercy. My burden is helping kids, especially orphans. So combine all that and you get me teaching and loving on orphans. That is what I'll be doing in Africa. That is what excites me so much I feel like I am going to burst. I can't wait to go even if it is just to impact 1 kid. My heart starts to race and I get goosebumps when I talk about helping those kids. 

But then there is the human side of me. The side that rationalizes that this is BIG. We aren't moving to another state. Alaska is kind of like its own country because its so different from the lower 48 but its still part of the US. We are going to a different continent and hemisphere. It is a huge change. Different language. Different money. Driving on the other side of the road. Using the metric system. Ect. It is overwhelming and scary.

So what do you do? Let fear hold you back or push past it and make a difference (or at least try)?  It'd be easier to stay in my comfort zone but that is not where I am supposed to be. So in 17 days we are taking the leap. Believing in faith that God will catch us and take care of all the scary stuff. Please pray for us as we go on this journey. I also want to encourage you if God if calling you to take a leap of faith. Trust Him and go for it! Let me know what it is so we can pray for you too.