Poison Ivy Ramblings

So we have made the move safely. We are enjoying time with our family as we prepare for Africa. I did get a poison ivy rash. The rash is not the normal rash- been there done that. It is the worst rash I have had in my life. My arm looks like it could be in some sci-fi movie where aliens burst out of eggs laid in a lady's arm. It is raised and has huge blisters and is utterly disgusting. We have been going back and forth on whether or not to go to the doctor. We really didn't want to spend the money. So I started on one of my tirades about it hurting and of course it happened when we don't have insurance. But God stopped me in my tracks. I was reminded that I at least have that option. Where we are moving they have things must worse than my "zombie bite rash" as Ry calls it and they can't go to the doctor. It was a reminder of how blessed I am. I know we are going to encounter some crazy stuff over there. Culture shock is coming. The statistics are so sobering. I just cannot put my head around their reality. My heart breaks for the Batswana and I have not even met them yet. This is going to be tough. I write this to ask you to pray for us and for the Batswana. Ry and I have really felt that God is calling us to bring light there. Africa used to be called the Dark Continent because no one outside of Africa knew anything about it. Centuries later it is the dark continent for other reasons. Death, disease, poverty. We want to bring the light of Jesus to them. We can't do this alone. We have already felt some spiritual warfare and know more is coming. So please, please, please pray for us.

Roller Coaster

So after spending time with some amazing people this week and uploading pictures from ERNC I was on the verge of crying. Wow I am going to miss Alaska. The people, the scenery. I love it here. Which is crazy because if you saw me a little over 2 years ago I was throwing a fit about coming here. Asking Ryan "Are you sure God wants us to move to Alaska?" and then asking God "Are you sure we need to go there?" I have cried every time we have moved. Yet once we were settled, I loved where God sent us. It is just a reminder to me of God's sovereignty. He knows so much better what is best for me than I do. I try to remind myself of that when I start freaking out about Botswana. I am so excited to go and serve but it does not keep me from being human and having a roller coaster of emotions. Some days I am full of faith and ready to tackle those mountains in our way (well God tackles them- but you know what I mean). Then there are days where I am so stressed I have to push it all aside and take a break (like yesterday when we were working on prayer cards and looking at the calendar trying to decide our move dates). I have noticed something though. I have one of those panic moments or extreme grief moments where I feel I am being tested. Example: When OCS called with what would be the perfect placement and my heart broke because I had to be honest and say we were moving soon. I was sobbing after that call and had that "if we weren't moving we might have gotten to adopt" thought. I rebuked it and prayed for strength. I had a Matthew 26:41 moment ("Watch and pray so you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.") The next day I got an
e-mail that I had been waiting a month for from the orphanage where I feel called to volunteer. It has become a cycle. We get down about something but in the next few days God sends us reassurances that we are doing what we are supposed to do. God is so amazing. Thank you everyone who is praying for us. This journey is not easy but its worth it.

                                
                                

What is on my mind right now

Ryan made me post my previous blog entry (I was just writing to get my feelings out and didn't plan on posting it). I am so thankful he did because I have gotten so much encouragement from you guys. I really appreciate it and it means a lot to me. Doing much better today :)

One of my favorite songs lately is "Kings and Queens" by Audio Adrenaline (see link below). After not listening to it for awhile because I would cry when I heard it- I listened to it again yesterday. Yep still makes me cry. I thought of M and K and said an extra prayer for them. It also got me thinking of Botswana and the orphanages I will hopefully be working in. I started crying tears of sadness as I prayed for the orphans of Botswana but those tears turned to tears of joy. I am so thankful Ryan and I will be able to do something to help those children. This is the call God has placed on our lives and it is so amazing seeing the pieces come together. Before church last night we found out the gender of my sister's baby. Ryan had predicted it correctly. We started talking about it and he said he just always knows. So I asked him what gender our kids will be. He said he didn't know yet and he did not know if they'd be biological or adopted or what race they would be. He just knew we would have a lot of them. He had seen the same vision of us being surrounded by kiddos. It is hard seeing facebook statuses about pregnancy and knowing we may never experience that. But then I think of the kids that need a family. The kids we will be able to welcome into our family. That takes the pain away. 

Last post I asked for prayer for me. This time I ask that you pray for the orphans and children in foster care all over the world. Thank you :)

This is the YouTube link to the video of "Kings and Queens"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rAlE2EnUP5A

Broken

Cheyenne got spayed, shots, and micro-chipped yesterday. She should be ready for Africa. Just need an international health certificate for her. But needless to say she was not feeling well last night so we stayed in to keep an eye on her. We decided to watch a movie and to my surprise Ry picks out What to Expect When You're Expecting. He was trying to pick a decent girly movie since we are constantly watching "guy" movies. I had some reservations about it but went with it. If you are going through infertility this may not be the best movie for you to watch. I had tears in my eyes through most of the movie. It brought up some emotions that I try to stuff down and not think about. I do have to say they had a couple going through infertility in the movie. I am normally not a J. Lo fan at all but I really related with her character. At one point she goes into the speech I think every woman that has difficulty conceiving says or thinks. Ry looked at me and said that sounds familiar. That feeling that you are a failure as a woman because you can't conceive. At the end of the movie Ry asked when's it going to be our turn. We are going on five years of trying and most of the time we do okay. But I think those feelings are like an undertow, dangerously below the surface ready to drag you down at a moments notice. I know God has a plan in this and when I focus on that I do okay with it. Having the foster kiddos helped but now that we are moving we can't take anymore. I have been trying to find my place in this move. I have sent out my resume several places to volunteer with orphans or in a hospice preschool but have not heard anything back. I have an ache in my soul to be mothering kiddos whether they are mine or not and I just feel restless right now. We are in this in between/ limbo place. I know this is where we learn and grow but its also where it is the hardest. I feel like an Israelite in the desert saying "God when will we get there?"   Sorry I'm just trying to be real with you guys. I try to make these post encouraging but today I'm not there. I'm broken and I could use some prayer. When we had to give K back (that was so hard. We would have adopted her in an instant if we could have) I had a vision of this beautiful stained glass window. I was confused until God reminded me that He could take broken things and make them beautiful. So I'm not there yet but I pray that someday I will shine like that window and reflect God's love.

Focus

So a lot has happened in the last couple weeks. The most common question I have been getting lately after people talk to Ry about what is going on they turn and ask me how I feel about it. Before that was a tough question to answer. I was still overwhelmed by the idea of us going to Africa and it had not fully kicked in that it was happening. Then I had my last day with my students and then my last day at work. I cried. I am so blessed that everywhere God has sent us I have had awesome coworkers. Reality was starting to set in and then anxiety. I am a checklist type of person. That is just my nature. I'm a planner. I started trying to do that with Africa and I just became overwhelmed with the mountain of things to accomplish. Passports, visas, selling things, raising money... As I focused on that mountain I let fear creep in. Instead of looking to The One who can move any mountain I was looking at what I could do. Scary. But then I started listening to the new Audio Adrenaline cd and singing at the top of my lungs (yes I was that crazy lady singing in her truck). My focus shifted. God started whispering in my ear "Do you think I am going to call you to do something then leave you to do it all on your own? Don't you remember I am the God that nothing is impossible for? Stop stressing. Let me handle it." So I let go and I'm telling you tears of joy began running down my cheeks. I began to get excited. It was like a slide show in my mind. I saw pictures of us surrounded by kids. I saw us laughing and playing. I saw children running to us in tears and us picking them up loving them. I saw Ry flying. Then I saw myself as a teenager at youth camp and God telling me I was going to rescue children for Him. Flash forward to youth convention this year where God told me I may not have biological children but I was going to be a mother to dozens of kids. I thought we were going to Africa to fulfill the dream God put in Ryan's heart. Now I see He is going to fulfill mine there too. So if you ask me now I'll tell you I can't wait to go. I am going to miss so many people and I know it is going to be overwhelmingly hard. But we are going for a purpose. We are going to shine the light of God's love on the people of Botswana. Show them there is hope even if they are part of the 25% of the country infected with HIV/AIDs. We are going to show orphans that they still have a Father who loves them. They are not alone. Ry and I have been praying for months "use us God. Wherever you want us to go- we'll go". Now we have our answer and I want to go.

So other than to update you on what is going on with us I want to encourage you. I know a lot of people seeking God's will for their life or going through tough stuff. Don't look at the mountains in your life. Look at The One who can move them. It may take longer than you expect but God is in control. At the end of John 16 Jesus is telling His disciples there will be sadness in this life, but He ends by encourage them that God is bigger than our troubles. Let Him overcome it for you.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)

Alaska to Africa

If you are reading this you probably have heard our news. Ryan and I are moving to Botswana, Africa! We are planning to be there by the end of summer if everything lines up. Ryan has felt called to Africa since he was a teenager. God woke him up in the middle of the night and told him to go to Africa. He got online and showed his parents a missionary aviation video.

For me it has been more recent. Like all of our other moves, he has been ready before me. God slowly changed my heart from being opposed to being excited. When I was younger my pastor and his wife moved to Africa. I remember as part of their farewell party they played "Please Don't Send Me to Africa" by Scott Wesley (or a song similar). I was freaked out and prayed I would never have to go there. Twenty years later I was saying the same thing. Then I researched Botswana and my heart broke for the people there. Below are some of the statistics that changed my mind and my heart.

We have moved a lot in our six and a half years of marriage. Our first move was to Virginia. As newlyweds we felt led to go back to school and finish up our degrees. In VA we learned to make it on our own and bonded as a couple. It was there that we both got our training. Afterwards we moved back home to try to figure out our next step. It was important to get that time with our family. It is also where we got our pup Chandelle. From there God led us to Alaska. Here we have continued to grow. We believe those moves and everything else in our lives has been leading us to Botswana. David wrote in Psalms that God orders our steps. Looking back we can see that He has done just that in our lives.

So what will we be doing there?

Ryan will be flying medivac, humanitarian, and charter flights for Flying Mission Services in Gaborone, Botswana. This is a great Missionary opportunity.  Ryan will be able to use his training to help those in need and spread Christ's love through his actions. St. Francis of Assisi said, "Preach the gospel always. If necessary - use words." 

I am still trying to find my place in this plan. I am hoping to be volunteering at an orphanage or preschool. Orphans make up 10% of the entire population of Botswana. There are so many children in Bots that need to hear about God's Love! My calling has always been to work with children so I look forward to seeing how I can serve in Botswana. 

Why Botswana?

*Botswana is about the size of Texas

* There are 2.2 million people that live there

*1 in 4 are diagnosed with HIV/AIDS (That is over 500,000 people and the numbers could be higher)

*Due to AIDS being so prevalent there, 10% of the entire population are orphans. Over 200,000 children without parents.

*Average life expectancy is 50 years

Mother's Day

Mother's Day is coming up so today instead of a penmanship test I had my class write thank you letters to their mom using their best cursive. As I am going over directions several students are excited to do it but a few start grumbling. "I can't come up with a whole paragraph." "That's too many sentences." I said 6 and one could be Happy Mother's Day Mom. I couldn't believe it. Then I thought back to before I became a foster mom. I had no clue how much work motherhood would be. I thought because I had worked with kids for half my life that it would be easy. Boy was I wrong. Yes, my years of experiences made me better prepared but I was not used to being on call 24-7. I was not used to the sleepless nights worrying they'd fall out of bed or need me. Every peep I heard from their room made me jump and spring into action just in case. I could go on and on about: diapers, cooking, cleaning, driving to appointments, missing work because they are sick.... Now that the kiddos are gone I have all this time and I have no clue what to do with myself. As exhausting and hard as it was, I miss it. While cleaning out their room I found a tracing of little ones hands and a "Weekend News" talking about how much fun he had with us from M.  Those papers are going in my scrapbook because I treasure those precious memories. To all the moms and dads out there as we prepare to celebrate you I just want to say y'all are awesome. Your kids are probably like my students and I was pre-kiddos. They have no clue how much you do for them yet you do it anyway. You are amazing. Happy Mother's Day!