I watched Soul Surfer yesterday for the first time. I can tell you I was a wreck watching this movie. I was happy I was alone because I just kept crying. I want to watch it again and maybe I won't be so emotional this time. For those of you who haven't seen it its the amazing story of courage of Bethany Hamilton. She's a surfer who was attacked by a shark and lost one of her arms. Miraculously she survives the attack and goes to back to surfing. The thing about the movie that really struck me is that when she let go of the dream- God gave it back to her. It wasn't how she pictured it, but God still made her a pro surfer. At the end of the movie when asked if she could go back and not be bitten would she do it- she says, "No. That God made it this way so she could embrace more people with one arm than with two." (paraphrasing). What a testimony! I look at her life and in a way I can see mine. No, I haven't had a serious limb-losing injury. But going through infertility and not being able to have kids is physical and emotional wounds too. (Please don't read this as me comparing my pain to hers because I am sure what she went through is much MUCH worse). What I am saving is we all have our Big wound. Something that changes us and in our opinion for the negative. This journey for me has been so heart breaking. I cannot count the nights that I cried myself to sleep or Ry had to hold me til I stopped sobbing. But I want to be able to look back on this and say, "yes, I would go through it again." I believe I have grown through this and when it's all over I hope to bring glory to God through it. What has really helped me has been letting go of my dream and search for God's. When I let go, I feel fine. I am an ordinary girl who is in pain every now and then do to hormone problems. However when I grab back onto that dream of mine, I become a barren girl who can't have kids. I say all this to say don't let your wound or your pain label you. Embrace who God made you and the journey He is putting you on. Our vision is limited and we don't know until the end how it will all turn out. God sees it all. So I want to trust His plan. Even when it brings me to my knees in tears. Even when I am in pain and don't understand. Job said "Though He slay me still I will trust him." (paraphrased again). I want to be able to have the faith to say that too.
I just felt led to share this too so I'm going to. This is kind of weird but yesterday when I was scrap booking I felt this odd sense of joy. I love to scrap book, the safe full of them can attest to that. That was not where the joy was from though. I finished one and I started thinking someday all these pictures that I print and put into albums will have our kids in them. I'm smiling again as I write this because I cannot wait. My dream may not have happened when I wanted it, but I believe in God's timing it will.
Oh total side-note, if you haven't seen the movie I really recommend it. If you are a crier like me, make sure you have tissues. Also, watch Change of Plans. Great movie on foster care.
Okay I am done now ;)